There are a lot of things in this world that can make a person crazy. And by crazy, I mean 'lose it a little' or 'destabilize' or other euphemisms. It seems like we are often treading a fine line between holding our lives together and just saying 'fuck it'. Not that this is a decision left only in one individual's hands. Like I said, a lot of things can make a person lose it.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking this right now. It's not because I always feel at the edge of some scizophrenic precipace, no. But just like we can enter a doctor's office feeling fine and leave with a diagnosis of cancer, we can wake up one morning with a mental illness gnawing away at what we thought were our intact faculties. Y'know, those faculties we rely on to communicate with people, to make them understand who we are, see the 'real me', we might hope. Or, more accurately, we communicate with others to help us understand what that 'real me' is - we certainly can't do that on our own, right? I don't think so. And I'm a pretty independent person. Even I recognize this need for other people.

Perhaps I'm thinking about L.O.V.E. and its catalystic functions. How love can make you crazy, make you happy, make you sad, all of it. Y'know, that's love, all those things, lots of different things. I believe I've been in love a few times and each time has been quite different. Yet each kind of 'being in love' has made me notice this fine balance between who I am and who others perceive me to be, and how much of me depends on who and what surrounds me. Oh, it's be said before and more eloquently, but whatever, it's my weblog, yo. Yes, so this recognition of how identity is constructed can be a bit much and that's perhaps what I mean when I say that so many things can drive us over whatever edge it was we were balancing on. And I guess it's what can bring us back too.

I just want to be who I am. To do that is a struggle though, I realize. Frustratingly enough, for me it's a process of constantly questioning myself. That is, I may know who I am at this moment, but the next moment will see me change - and that's also me, of course. Is it a balance between understanding the stable parts of oneself and adjusting to the instable? Or just recognizing the complex process of how identity is formed. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to harness the stable, make that our 'truth' and have some kind of solidity in our lives? Maybe it would be, but the only examples I can name are from movies or tv.

This all also makes me question how we can trust ourselves. Or how we define what trust means in this case. Perhaps this is why I invoke the word 'crazy' - this distrust of self, distrust of our own perceptions of the world and distrust of others' perceptions. I mean, this trust is part of having stability, being able to rely on something. But the more I think about it and the more I go about my life, I find that what I rely on is nebulous - I have convictions, but they seem ephemeral. Maybe I was never meant to have a 'rock' in my life (hey, my chart is all about air signs, after all...), but even that thought is a bit upsetting in a 'why can't my life be a movie' kind of way. Y'know, it's upsetting but at the same time I can wave it off as silly. And I'm still left with the nebulous, with a bunch of words to rearrange again and again into sentences meant to unravel the problems posed. As much as I can write it and say it, I am still trying to understand how much more important it is to explore these problems instead of going straight for the answers because the answers, much like me in a game of hide and seek, are always changing their hiding spots.

I think I just need to write some stories or poems on this theme or something. But writing them this way is helpful too even if the words make little sense to other people. It's sort of a way towards making sense. I try.