a poem about everything

ughghghjkdlgfhskld;jf

2007-09-07T00:46:00.000-04:00

holy crap this week
seriously what is going on
i can't even explain it right now except maybe that the universe thinks i need to learn something. i can guess what - something about listening to my instincts? something about, uh, better communication? does the universe want me to get a cell phone? i don't know, but i haven't been this angry/frustrated/worried/tense in ages. and i am usually all those things on a minor level all the time anyway. which is actually probably what the universe is trying to teach me. to let all that just go, b/c there are better things to do with my energy. i guess.
my jaw hurts from the clenching

It's the end of all strain, it's the joy in your heart

2007-08-01T23:29:00.000-04:00

i am kind of obsessed with this song right now - aguas de marco - elis regina and tom jobin -
and the lyrics too!
ah so great

For good measure: cat blogging

2007-07-30T18:57:00.000-04:00

here is a short video of my cat, noam, in the wind of the fan on a hot summer day (he is not allowed to eat my dinner but he is still interested). i can't remember what the music is but it is weird how well it fits.

Mondays are the crazy days these days

2007-07-30T13:33:00.000-04:00

hi blog
hi guys
hi monday, which has happened again

so i was thinking and i was talking about blogging and how while i have enjoyed my blogging time on midnightpoutine.ca over the course of the last two years, i'm not sure if it's still for me. i'm thesis writing still (to be finished soon, this time for sure) and have this new radio show at ckut that i'm doing - Free Radicals: Science, Culture and Connection - freeradicalsradio.blogspot.com - and am doing/looking out for freelance writing/editing/communications work as well.

there is a certain pressure i feel with midnightpoutine.ca to always be focusing solidly on montreal activities/interests. i am just not that solidly focused these days. all i can be is someone living in montreal but not necessarily someone going to montreal events or places and thinking about blogging about them. i have also not been girl about town lately either. what do i have to blog about? more personal or esoteric things that readers of a montreal-focused blog may find not montreal-y enough or too, y'know, editorial.

so i'm going to reboot this blog. because i still like the name and because it's linked to gmail and because it probably features many embarrassing posts from the past that will teach me more about how we are all "always growing" and that life is a "learning process" and that i am "sometimes a bit of a douche."

anyway, but re: the title of this post - mondays are crazy times, i've realized, because i have the radio show at 11:30 am and the morning is spent gearing up for that and afterwards i have to gear down. i thought it'd be a good idea to re-introduce coffee on these mondays mornings. this works, but because last week was so freakin' hot in this town, i did not drink any caffeine at all! (it makes me v warm for some reason, even if it is iced caffeine.) and so this morning i had coffee and it wired the hell out of me. heart going too fast!

obviously it is making me productive though. double-edged sword.

year of the suave british spy

2007-01-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

holy geez i do not update blog v much
still write for midnightpoutine though, sometimes
still am trying to get thesis done
still am in a great band - we are 4-track recording even, so will have things to listen to on that site and wherever
still am me

Comets on Fire, Sala Rossa, Montreal, September 2006

2006-09-09T11:20:00.000-04:00

Watch the video

So this was an awesome show. My camera's sound remains utter crap, but the idea is that this gives an idea of what things were like, minus the crappy sound, of course.

gushing review here.

Chicks in a Cave - Horror Movie, I Love You

2006-08-09T12:04:00.001-04:00

I saw The Descent last night. I had gone to the good ol' Montreal F0rum for some comfy-seat, air-conditioned movie time, having not been to the movies in several weeks and feeling sad about that. So I went with a friend to see A Scanner Darkly, which I was prepared for, being kind of a fan of Waking Life and having heard from friends that this was pretty good - not action-packed, but interesting and neat to look at. And that was true. I left the theatre thinking about it, about why the animation (it makes sense though), and about how Keanu has gotten really good at picking the right roles. I did leave the movie feeling kind of stoned though, because the world is not in fact rotoscope animated. It looked weird.

I also left feeling I could watch another movie. This is what happens at multiplexes. I'm sorry, but it's just too easy. So we saw The Descent. And it rocked. So. Awesome. I wrote about it where else but on Midnight Poutine.

Oneness means identifying the source of your vitriol

2006-08-05T10:46:00.000-04:00

Saturday morning rant.

aka what happens when i'm woken up at 6:41 a.m. on the weekend and it's not my fault at all except maybe that i chose to live on a main street in a big city but STILL.

aka who's to blaaaame???

at least the street is really really quiet right now. so much so that i can hear the dork owners/managers of the crappy cafe across the street telling someone off. fun!

dear everyone this morning: what the hell is UP with you??

Vetiver, July 26, 2006 at Sala Rossa, Montreal

2006-08-03T01:45:00.000-04:00

Watch the video

I really like this band. Sweet sweet summertime hippie country that doesn't annoy me but makes me want to hang out and contemplate happiness. I am going to remember that in winter. More about this show on www.midnightpoutine.ca.

Cottages, I Love That You Exist

2006-07-19T17:34:00.000-04:00

Whew, so I went away this weekend. It was LOVELY. I needed it like nothing else. So nice to get out of the city and be in NATURE. I wrote about it here: midnight poutine.

And here is a video of an awesome storm, with musical accompaniment. The rest of the wkend was SUNNY and HOT, do not be fooled.

I will not yet post the hilarious video Charlotte took of me swimming. But witness my white feet (no longer so white after all the sunshine) and the lake I will be dreaming about all winter long.

World Cup Ban on Cars, Horns, Whistles, Crappy Music

2006-07-09T23:29:00.000-04:00

HOLY CRAP QUIT IT ALREADY OUT THERE

I live on a main one-way thoroughfare. And that's fine. It's not really that bad, usually just a bit loud at evening rush hour. But this, THIS has been going on since five and shows no signs of letting up. WE UNDERSTAND - ITALY WON THE WORLD CUP. I also love World Cup. I also cheered for Italy and perhaps "love" them but maybe not quite as much as you obviously do if your horn honking is how I am to measure your love. Yes, wow, your horns are so loud and your whistles mighty in the name of Italia. But it is almost midnight on a Sunday. And though I stay up late usually anyway, I do not usually feel like headbutting in the chest everyone in a car with a horn on my street.

I wrote more about the game and then a postscript about my later feelings about the celebrations on midnight poutine, btw.

Right now, can't think, barely type, too much loudness. It comes in waves, with the traffic lights. It's going to go on forever maybe. Forever.

2006-07-09T20:39:00.000-04:00

Italy win, World Cup 2006, Montreal

Watch the video

witness the madness of Italian-Cdn soccer fans and their horn-honking, flag-waving selves...

oh man, what a day, no no no, WHAT A GAME. WHAT A WORLD CUP. I kind of can't believe it's over. What will I do? I will take advantage of the bunches of other ways to watch soccer in this town, that's what I'll do. Awesome.

But yaaay, Italy! Oh, they weren't my first choice, not my second either, but ya gotta cheer for someone - and I'd watched all the Italy games and had grown to love them. They may be a bunch of drama boys but they fought hard against France, who didn't exactly make it an easy game. Damn, France was tough and impressive.

I love soccer.

The post-game sushi and ice cream was also very very good and necessary.

uh, time flies, like, y'know, soccer, uh, players over the backs of other soccer players

2006-07-06T00:59:00.000-04:00

yeah yeah, it's been days, weeks even, since i've written anything anywhere (except ilx, of course...). and why? why? i'm blaming soccer. and substances. but waaay more blame on soccer, b/c my substance use always has been pretty freakin minor and only major in its uniqueness, its spaced-out, well-timed moments. much like the world cup. where greatness is seen throughout, but true greatness comes only in certain games, in certain moments.

and then there is the sadness. and the revenge. i'm talking about argentina losing to germany. and i'm talking about italy beating germany. aw yeah. this is maybe how it has to work. and today i found myself finally getting to cheer for france, which was alright.

and the final? should be a good game - what it's all about, really. i have to go with italy. i realize that if they win, the neighbourhood will erupt, the street i live on will be closed from before my house all the way to little italy and probably further, and horns will be honked well into the night. but i can deal with that. it will be the last night out WORLD CUP and it should be good.

and then what? i am weighing my soccer options.
also: the many other things i'm to do with my time/self/ideas. lots of things.

i had a good band practice tonight. we now have charlotte back in mtl - yaay - so we are a three-person band now. AWESOME. plus we are now extra loud. um.

Today in World Cup Football

2006-06-21T09:30:00.000-04:00

Portugal v Mexico is going to be a GOOD GAME, I'm pretty sure. And with Portugese fans being the craziest, I should probably go watch at Olympico (and cheer for Mexico, mwah. no, i have no affiliations that way, i just want to watch a good game, to be honest). But what I'm really into, what I'm revved up for, is the Holland-Argentina match this afternoon. omg.
GO ARGENTINA!!
But yeah, I woke up early and did some work. I feel pretty good about this day so far.

The World Cup Routine

2006-06-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

So World Cup Football/Soccer has been going on for well over a week now and though at its outset I told myself to limit my viewing to one game a day, I must not've told myself sternly enough (I am not so good at stern) because, holy crap, I have watched every game. Or, more honestly, at least a respectable part of every game.

The internet has helped me here. I love the internet and, obv, the people who use it to its extremes and how it is meant to be used. I thank these people and their technological know-how. As a (grad-y) student, I don't have a set schedule. Oh, I have things to do, work to work on and finish, appointments to keep, but there's always a way to work those around the World Cup schedule. Yes, this is what's happened to me, let it be no surprise.

So anyway, my team is ARGENTINA and has been since before the whole thing started (so don't think i'm jumping on any bandwagons here) - thought was put into this. Well, a bit of thought. I don't really watch soccer very often, but I did some reading up. And after World Cup is over, I think I might need to choose a club, y'know, have games to watch throughout the year. All other sports-viewing interests may be sacrificed. Except winter olympics. (okay, i don't really watch any other sports. sometimes hockey, yeah, that's true.)

ANYWAY, a good thing about this schedule is that I go running at the gym in btwn games or at the end of the day - and wouldn't you know it but I'm running better and better and faster and up more hills. Abs are beginning to show. Inspired by soccer! I haven't been faking any injuries or falling down and practicing my grimace-face though. If you want to play soccer with me, I promise I will do this though.

I'm serious about the soccer playing - let me know! I'm so IN.

world cup, you will not destroy me!

2006-06-12T23:30:00.000-04:00

world cup watching is a 9-5 job, people. i'm probably going to do it again tomorrow, but after that, i have to put the brakes on, okay.

i mean, today i watched the second half of the australia-japan game, had monday-morning-mom phone call, then showered, then watched USA-CzechR, then gathered up gym stuff, went to gym, hoofed it over to cafe olympico for italy-ghana game. Then bought, y'know, food at store b/c i figure i might as well get provisions now while i still have some of my faculties intact, or i'll be well on my way to a steady diet of cafe-au-lait and rotisserie chicken sandwiches. (of course, they are perhaps the BEST cafe-au-laits and chicken sandwiches around, but let's not argue. point being: i need vegetables. and i am caffeine-free. and dairy-free. i'm okay with this, let's not argue.)

so the plan is to go easy on wednesday and thursday. pick one game to watch. and leave the house and do work somewhere where there is no soccer game on. like, y'know, a LIBRARY. it is the only way to accomplish things that are not Watching World Cup. Because I'd like to fool myself into thinking that's an accomplishment. even if it is sorta. and it only happens once every four years! do you see how it's gotten into my brains?

so yes, onwards.
tomorrow: go south korea!

World Cup 2006 BEGINS...

2006-06-10T15:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm not going to get a lot done in the next month. No, no, no, that's the wrong way to think. I will get ALL SORTS OF STUFF done this more. It will just include watching a lot of high-quality soccer... I can't help it, I love World Cup.

Right now I'm watching it at home on a rainy day (why, rain? why?), but yesterday I caught the first game (Germany v Costa Rica - 4-2) at a cafe near my house. I got there with time to spare, so got a drink and a seat in direct view of the big screen. (I was just writing about this on Midnight Poutine too, as it got me thinking about the uniqueness of watching World Cup in Montreal, where there are fans for EVERY team, I'm certain.)

Oh, the excitement. I was reminded of 2002 and the fervour, the getting up waaay too early to watch games before work (I was living in Vancouver), the drinking of too much coffee in Cafe Roma on Commericial, the mayhem of the Korean cultural centre during the second round, the post-game karaoke drunkeness and, okay, that doesn't have much to do with soccer, but at the same time it does.

World Cup soccer kind of becomes a focal point of life for a month. I'm not sure how it works that way, but it does. I mean, I enjoy sports, I like exercise, but I don't watch a lot of sports on tv (okay, none) and I don't keep up with sports news or anything. I'm all about the high-quality sports, I will admit my elitism. e.g., I also love the Olympics, especially the winter ones.

So who am I going to root for this time around?? I'm still deciding, but for some reason I'm feeling it for Argentina. I know there are reasons why not to back this team, I know it'll get heated, but I like 'em this time around. But I'm also into S Korea, for sure. hmm. And I have a friend, Deb, who's spent a lot of time there and dances a mean tango, so perhaps that's part of my "reasoning." We. Shall. See.

So while I love the sport itself - the skill, the athleticism, the playing field, the GAME - I also love that it's about the WORLD, and that while countries are competing, they're still all together in one place, and so are so many of the fans. I am a giant cheeseball, it's freakin' true, yeah yeah.

back to the game. see you at olympico/green room/socialclub/random cafes/my house/d'internet/etc.

Plastic Crimewave Sound at Casa del Popolo, Montreal

2006-06-06T00:38:00.000-04:00

Watch the video
flash version

Plastic Crimewave Sound - I'm not even sure if these guys are my thing, but I liked the show. And they had lots of awesome album art and other things for sale, which, along with the awesome album art of the Mammatus album, made for a pretty great merch table layout.

But yeah, I think they're what blew my ears out, in the end, (as they came on after the other two bands), even though I'd half-assed plugged said ears (to future me: always remember earplugs. you are not 19. you are not even 24. toilet paper is not an earplug.)

Residual Echoes at Casa del Popolo, Montreal

2006-06-06T00:23:00.000-04:00

Watch the video
flash version

Residual Echoes: also pretty freakin' awesome, also from Santa Cruz (area), California, just as Mammatus is. also: loud. yes!

(video posting is robbing me of words. no, no, sleep deprivation is robbing me of words. so more words, at some point. in future.)

Mammatus at Casa del Popolo, June 4, 2006

2006-06-05T23:58:00.000-04:00

Watch the video

flash version

whoa.

heavy. awesome.

mammatus.

loud show, so the sound's fairly distorted, but hey, gives an idea. i could have listened to them for another hour at least.

and, on top of it all, they're great guys. i totally want to go camping in the middle of nowhere and listen to this. right now.

Jack Rose (with Glenn Jones) at Casa del Popolo, Montreal

2006-06-04T12:18:00.000-04:00

Watch the video
flash version

More of the Jack Rose show at Casa, this time with Glenn Jones playing too.

Jack Rose at Casa del Popolo, Montreal (6-string & lap guitar)

2006-06-04T12:13:00.000-04:00

Watch the video

flash version

Jack Rose switches guitars, continues awesomeness.

Jack Rose at Casa del Popolo, Montreal (12-string)

2006-06-04T12:03:00.000-04:00

Watch the video
flash version

So, despite being super tired last night, I knew I had to go see Jack Rose, and that that would pick me up and make me feel good. Of course, it did. Because Jack Rose is awesome and I love him something fierce. Listening to his albums is great enough, but listening live is fairly meditative - lulling yet very awake/alive.

He didn't talk too much this time - at Terrastock he told a few good stories. Here he told one rambly story about prog rock, not being liked by a certain prog band (well, who knows), and how the only thing prog about him is his guitar stand.

The last three songs brought Glenn Jones (of Cul de Sac) up to play with him - awesome.

Josephine Foster at Sala Rossa, Montreal

2006-06-04T11:23:00.001-04:00

Watch the video
flash version

Josephine Foster's voice control kind of astounds me and she's got this awesome dreamy quality about her when she sings. really lovely to see her for the first time in a quiet, chill setting.

Diane Cluck at Sala Rossa, Montreal

2006-06-04T11:23:00.000-04:00

Watch the video
flash version

Diane Cluck, based in New York/Brooklyn, played an amazing set on June 2 in the mood-lighting of Montreal's Sala Rossa.

Terrastock Video Clips x2

2006-06-03T16:38:00.000-04:00

I've certainly taken my time getting these (really short) videos up, but hey. I haven't even written much about Terrastock in the first place - where to begin? I'm just going to begin with these.

The videos I took were kind of random - me getting used to this camera and also being kind of overwhelmed by Terrastock in general - music, awesomeness, etc.

Avarus hail from Finland and at first appear unassuming but are actually kind of nuts. They were suprised that people in North America were so into them because "no one knows who we are at home." Well, Terrastock is kind of a special event... (oh, the music nerdery...)

(or: flash version)

Damon and Naomi used to be part of Galaxy 500, a band I absolutely loved several years ago - and still do love now, though I don't often listen to them. Here they're playing a song with the guitarist from Ghost. I didn't get any video of Ghost, who played at the end of the festival, but I'm sure about 854 other people did. (People are really into Ghost.)

(or: flash version)

Obviously I'm still working out some issues re: videoblogging and will be back to edit.

Let the Videoblogging Begin!

2006-06-01T23:32:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I've got a lot of words in my head, it's true, but sometimes words are not enough, or too much, or whatever, maybe I'm lazy or maybe I'm just EXCITED ABOUT VIDEOBLOGGING. Yeah. So here is my first attempt at putting video, that I took, on teh intermanet, using blip.tv.

We're on our way back fromTerrastock, pretty tired, listening to Boredoms, about to find a lovely (but cold, but windy) beach. This captures some kind of lovely moment, to me.

(flash version)

And here is the beach! (Salisbury Beach!)

(flash version)

2006-04-17T21:42:00.000-04:00

Monday night confessions, part 1

I Jog. Or Run. Whatever it is people call it these days. I admit it. On a, wait for it, treadmill. At the, yes, gym.

It's the Y though, so it's pretty chill and kind of old - though the treadmills I always run on are new and have FANS built into them. I would like fans to be built into everything. I have a lot of hope in nanotechnology, as anyone who knows me knows, and one of my hopes is that soon there will be clothes made out of fabric with very very very very small fans woven into it. I'm not talking about N1ke Sph3r3 sporto clothing that purports to keep you cool by creating a "climate" btwn your skin and the t-shirt or whatever. Enough of your marketing namby-pamby WORDS, N1ke. I'm talking about clothes I'd actually wear in public. And that would actually keep me cool and dry. It will be nice, the future.

Yeah, so I jogged tonight and it was good, as usual, and the fans did their duty as my heart-rate climbed by helping to keep my face at bright red and not the sweaty, frankly scary, purple colour people with my (pale, pink-toned, "Irish") complexion achieve when under cardiovascular duress. It's not even like I'm pushing too hard - it's just HOW IT IS and how it always has been. I accept it. And now I would like technology to accept it too. More fans in things, thanks.

Oh, confession #2 involves how I ate two bowls of chocolate ice cream. With chocolate bits in it. While half-watching this really dumb new show called something with the name Brian in it. WHATEVER. I RAN.

2006-03-16T13:51:00.000-05:00

Well, it's not spring. Okay, fine. I was a bit hasty with my "get on yr bikes, people!" shout out. And it seems I was a bit hasty with my own bike riding while there's still snow on the ground. aaagh, I have a cold! Like, I barely even can speak! How did this happen?

I'm really not into blaming the weather or the bike riding though, honestly. Maybe I was talking too much over the weekend? (Well, I did some long-distance Skyping with someone I don't talk to often, so that's Exhibit A, yes.) Maybe I touched something/one gross at that weird club I went to on Friday night and then rubbed my nose? Maybe because there's a -8C windchill out there and similar conditions predicted for the next week?? I don't know, some kind of combination of forces stacked up against me Voltron-like.

But right now I am not on my bike. And that's sad to me. I have soup and I have ginger tea. And a will to go on, brave soldier that I am, etc.

2006-03-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went for the First Real Bike Ride of the Season. I wrote a bit about it over at that sorry excuse for a local blog-rag, midnightpoutine.ca.

(I'm joking about the sorry excuse stuff. Because then I would be insulting myself. I don't want to do that. I like myself. Usually.)

(I'm totally listening to Julie Doiron. And it's raining. This is fitting n' all, but wrong. I was listening to the Js, that's all. Some of the Js in my Music System aren't good for getting on with the day, is what I'm saying.)

2006-03-12T12:55:00.000-05:00

rrrgh, morning, raining, can't get going, actually watched Sunday-morning CBC news show b/c was recently reminded of my laxness re: paying attention to politics. I'm an IDEAS PERSON, people. Ah, no, I dig the details, but sometimes, when the details involve boring men in boring suits saying things that are just talk (not feeling/truth/thought), well, I am bored. But the Sunday morning news program showed a really great docu-short about Bosnia, post-2004. Very interesting. Partly about the individuals involved in the docu itself (the guide and driver) and partly about the broader political and social (read: genocide) events of the mid-late 90s.

I learned things already today.
I also ate some coconut bread I made yesterday. It had chocolate chips in it.
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

2006-02-27T14:16:00.000-05:00

haha, okay, I've written stuff today, but it's all over at midnightpoutine.ca! Paragraphs full of stuff. So that's made me happy.

They are testing the heat detectors in my building right now. Yes, there are heat detectors and smoke detectors. They are on the ceiling in my kitchen. But they are little white machine things, not people. Because my apartment is too small to have all those people in it, even in the name of safety. So I've opted for machines instead. I have learned just now that they work too.

The bldg manager came in with this woman holding what looked like a boom mic, except with a rounder, fatter end on it. And the other end was metal. HOTT METAL. She stuck it on the heat detector and after a few seconds, the detector started to emit a not-too-pleasant high-pitched sound. squeeeeeeee. Then she put the round and furry (!) end on the detector and the noise stopped. I've been listening to this procedure happen throughout the building for the past 15 minutes. Fun! But really now, in the name of safety, I'm weathering it without complaint.

2006-02-26T12:56:00.000-05:00

I wonder if maybe I've not been writing here b/c I didn't like it, aesthetically. So I have changed the look of things. One paragraph a day - I'd like to commit to this. I was out late late last night, having fun in places that shouldn't be open that late. Like art galleries and the lobbies of concert halls. I also walked home in -16C. But was walking fast, so am okay. Did not sleep enough. Head foggy, sky sunny.

2005-09-30T13:37:00.000-04:00

I'm attempting (pop)cultural relevance over at www.MidnightPoutine.ca
Music, tv, fashion, Montreal comings and goings. I like it.

2005-09-19T18:26:00.000-04:00

It's 2005! Still!
And I still have a bllllogggg! wtf, it's not like a lot of things haven't been happening - I've just been tired/lazy/busy/bleah - but I am no longer (so much) those things! Though still pretty busy, okay, yeah. With the worst kind of deadlines too - the self-imposed kind. Apparently it's true what they say about how failing yourself is the worst kind of failure... But I haven't failed yet, just have been teetering close to disappointment for too long. Screw that though.

Am living in a new appartment - by myself! Which is awesome and in a great neighbourhood, with friends around the corner and good food and coffee. However, I still seem to spend a lot of time indoors on my own - happily though. I've been doing a lot of bike riding and not really looking forward to winter with respect to that, even though I was in fact looking forward to winter with respect to coziness and homemade soup and wearing my new down coat (it has yet to be tested, but I have faith in it. Yes, faith in a coat. That is what winter here is all about.) But yeah yeah yeah, things okay, good, interesting. Am still thesising, but am no longer feeling shame about it taking so long - presented at a few conferences this year too, which boosted my confidence re: my research/ideas. Writing as well, mostly poems. No new love to speak of but I think that was self-imposed, for my own good and the good of others. I've recently been feeling flirty while at the same time, er, "deep" - so who knows what that combo will bring.

Anyway, this is all very true-blog-fashion stuff. I have also not quit watching tv. But still only watch a select few, okay, several, shows and feel happily shameless about it.

2004-05-21T23:16:00.000-04:00

A lovely spring day in Montreal today. And I actually took adantage of it (no, not *that* way) and went outside, on my bike! For hours! I went out riding with a friend and it just sort of turned into an over-2-hour ride (yeah, we got a little lost, but who cares) around Verdun and Ile des Soeurs and almost over to Parc Jean-Drapeau - to get over to the park you have to cross this bizarre industrial bridge that seems to go on forever (um, because it's actually crossing the St. Lawrence River...) and then you have to bike up this peninsula-like tract of land for a while. While we managed the long bridge, we knew we weren't prepared for the rest of the massive ride, so we just went back the way we came, which was fine and dandy.

It was nice to get out of the city centre. We kept remarking to each other about how alien it felt, a different planet, as we passed through meta-suburbia and then into industrial lands and then into parkland(ish). None of which looked like the Montreal we live in and which we could still see way off in the distance, as one might see earth from a spacepod (adjusting for scale, of course). I took a few photos and perhaps will post when developed.

The rest of the day, well, the rest of the day was spent on-line, doing research and not doing research. Then reading. Then watching Lionel and Nicole Richie on Oprah (yeah, I cried a bit, whatever) and then eating and then webbing and then reading again. Very happily. Ah, nothing like a bit of fresh air to make the rest of the day spent inside seem a-okay.

2004-05-11T22:25:00.000-04:00

Fuckerly. I just wrote a long post about nothing really but then I made it disappear due to stupid key-hitting error. Now I am sad. Not that it was a great post, but it had a good joke at the end. Sigh. Anyway, there will be more jokes in my future, I'm sure. I just have to get over the sadness. Grrr. Okay, done.

But yeah, so as I was saying before my ctrl-c key just turned into a plain old c, deleting everything, I was talking about my day that ended up being really a bit of a dud in terms of accomplishing anything school-related. I went to the gym, I bought a new desk lamp, I watched American Idol. I almost did laundry and I thought about fixing the oven that's been broken for, well, yes, I think it's true, over a year. I did do a bit of housecleaning though. Oh, and web wasting, of course, goes without saying.

At the gym I decided to try out a cardio machine I'd never tried before: the stairmaster. I mean, it was next to the calf machine I was using, so, y'know, why not. Now, I actually don't mind cardio machines and find elliptical machines pretty great, but omg, how counter-intuitive is the stairmaster. I get on and the footrest thingys go *down*, so you have to push and "pull". I wasn't expecting that. It's a good workout, but makes me feel retarded. And for that reason it has been struck from the menu.

On to the desk lamp: halogen lamps rule! My ikea lamp, handed down to me from a friend a couple years ago, finally bought the farm and has now gone to the place where all ikea things go when they die (doggie heaven? a curb in sweden?). My new lamp is from Canadian Tire and it's Better. However, I learned something today about halogen lamps and this piece of information scared me a little. That is: halogen lamps produce UV rays... I guess I sort of knew this, since the light is much closer to natural sunlight than the light from regular lamps, but still, I mean, the instructions (which, yes, I read, b/c, shut-up) say to "take caution" re: the uv light. I don't know what this means really. So if I get skin cancer, I'm totally blaming halogen.

Okay, so tomorrow work will get done! And then I will reward myself by going indie-pop dancing. That is all.

2004-05-09T23:26:00.000-04:00

Oh, hurrah, hello again, etc. Many good and exciting things have happened in the past month or so. Nothing collosal, mind you, but still, meaningful-to-me things. Hence them appearing in a blog...

Yesterday night I went to see Destroyer, a Vancouver-based band whom I *LOVE* and can't seem to get enough of these days. They played a small club in Montreal's plateau neighbourhood (of course), and it seemed like everyone there was either from Vancouver or Victoria or had lived there recently or was friends with someone who had, etc. Canada is a small place in the end, y'know. The show was fantastic - Frog Eyes and Pink Mountain Tops opened and were both good - Frog Eyes was actually better than I ever remember them being at any of the shows I'd seen in Vancouver and played as the backup band for Dan Bejar, scoring them about 10million points in my inconsequential book. So I spent pretty much the entire Destroyer set completely besought with Mr. Bejar just as I'm sure many others were. I mean, I knew that was going to happen. I've had a crush on this man for a long time and to see him less than 10 feet away singing all the songs I love, well, I couldn't help but swoon. He's fucking amazing. Possibly my favourite Canadian.

And then when the show ended I turned around and there was Don McKellar - also possibly my favourite Canadian! I think I had a moment of shock as I started to reach my hand out towards him and say "Oh, Don McKellar!". But I stopped all that and just smiled. He smiled back. And who says Canadian Celebrity is an oxymoron? It's all in the eye of the beholder, y'all. I told my mom about it, expecting to have to explain who Don McKellar is and she was all "Oh, the Twitch City guy! I love him!" yaaaay, mom! (and isn't it great how my mom can speak in html? crazy world.)

Okay, I just realized that I'm writing like an 18-year-old tonight. I'm just going to blame the season finale of Survivor for that. How can I write like myself after sitting through 3 hours of Survivor? My brains are fried. But I did manage to get myself over to cbs.com and vote for Rupert to win the million bucks (oh, cbs, you are so smart. i bet they make waaaay more than a million bucks in advertising sales just for the final (2nd) final show. heesh.

More on my great trip to London later when I've starting being able to write closer to my true age (which is something of a debate in itself, but whatever).

2004-03-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

I watched all of American Idol. I mean, how could I not with all those contestant "packages", y'know, where they show the singer's family, friends and 'interests'. It's just all too funny not to watch. But did it have to go on for two hours?! At least I found out that The O.C. will be on next Monday, after a two-week absence. In some kind of freakish need for the show, I read an entire episode summary on Television without Pity yesterday. Did I mention I've got deadlines? This is how my stress manifests itself, through not just the wasting of time but actually sinking to new depths to manage that wastage. Astounding. This reminds me of the time I spent some time here and read a few episodes of "Knight Rider" a couple years ago at work. Oh, and half an episode of "Air Wolf" (painful.)

Who's the American Idol? I'm torne so far. There's so much hyper-cuteness and, i mean, some of them are actually talented, have some soul - it may be Pop Idol, but I think it's evolved a bit, at least in terms of who's getting votes - not just cute pop-star wannabees, but cute soul singers. Or maybe I'm just having an optimistic moment. George was just so cute though without his mustache and "sitting by the dock of the bay." So. Cute. John Peter = also cute, but not as cute as George. Red haired boy is cute too, but only 16 and I can't seem to manifest an opinion re: cute/not cute. Probably more like 'adorable' and '16'. And all the girls are super-cute. I'm glad I'm Canadian and can't vote. Not that I ever voted for Canadian Idol, but y'know, I'd feel some kind of American guilt if I were American and didn't vote. (haha, I'm laughing about voting and America. hahaha. the American Presidential race should be called "American President!" and everyone could call in their votes or even better: text them in - "for George W. Bush, text the word 'bush' to..." And people would.

2004-03-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

I feel like writing in the ol' blog. Which must mean I've got lots of work to do. Hey, guess what? It does! This must also mean I'll spend too much time engrossed (" ") by American Idol tonight. yeah... I did manage to get to the gym, do a kick-ass high-intensity cardio session that warmed me up - the windchill surprised me today and I had to race-walk downtown (no bus pass for me this month - i'm saving that $60 and, well, walking fast everywhere...). So, y'know, I have accomplished some stuff.

I finished reading a book about women and bodybuilding yesterday. I actually read the whole thing. Which I probably shouldn't've done since I should also be reading lots of other things. Yes, the key to surviving grad school is not to read anything in it's entirely - it's all about "relevant chapters" and "journal articles" and "this paragraph makes sense".

After the gym, I went into my favourite shoe store (which is not really my 'favourite', but I guess the most convenient and is full of good shoes. The sales people are annoying and there are plenty of horrible, offensive shoes too. I thought high-heeled sneakers were never coming back? Yet they've come back! In kitten-heel form! Run! And not in high-heeled sneakers because you'll fall down!)

But anyway, while not too many shoes appealed today, a few did, namely the new spring Campers. I was crying inside with all the love for this pair of white slip-ons with little fushia flowers embroidered on them. so expensive, so stupidly, illogically expensive. yet so beautiful. i had to leave.

On the way home I saw a middle-aged man wearing brown woolen tights and black nylon running shorts. And a ruffled jacket. This also made me cry on the inside, but not in the beautiful-shoes kind of way. And then I was like, I wonder where he found those tights b/c those are hard to find around.

I've also started doing yoga again b/c I've realized how well it works to relax me, stretch out all my tired muscles, and let me forget about things for an hour. Yet I still think of the Brent Butt joke on his tv show "corner gas" - someone asks, talking about doing pilates/yoga, "Don't you want to unify your mind and body?" and he replies, "No. I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket." I think that's brilliant.

Now for the requisite jumping up and down and shouting "whoo!" because I'm going to London in 2 weeks. It's so great. I have so much to do before then. But it's so great and horrah, etc.!

I'm sure there will be more later.

2004-02-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

blargle, argle, bleagh. you know those days when you don't really want to speak to people in any kind of language they might understand? it seems like my day has turned into that. had some minor miscommunications earlier that gave me a bit of stress, but am okay now, except for the blargle language issue. which i don't think is all that bad right now, especially since i'm at home.

as usual, i have work to do. but i'm not really doing it, or not all of it. i'm doing my readings and lit searches, of course, but i'm not doing the harder stuff, the stuff that takes a bit more brainpower. like writing articles for the mag i work on. yes, yes, i'm only stressing myself out more in the end, etc., etc. But it's so much easier to just read a novel... or watch American Idol... (yeah, it's on tonight. and, like the car wreck that it is, it's impossible not to watch. yes, that's right *impossible*. i totally need to leave the house more. like, be *forced* to leave the house. i'll get over it; it's a phase, etc.)

in totally other news, i've been experimenting with pumpkin. no, just in the kitchen, just as a foodstuff. pumpkin is versatile and good for you. and it's orange, which is nice. i've been mixing it with ricotta and cinnamon and heating that up, making muffins/pancakes, whatever. a little pumpkin goes a long way. i fully intend to get sick of it soon enough.

2004-02-03T17:49:00.000-05:00

Perhaps it's because I'm avoiding all the work I have to do this week that doing laundry and washing the dishes has made me feel happy and good about myself. I shake my sorry head. The thing is though, that I can go for a month, yes, even more than a month, without doing laundry. And I'm not even wearing the same clothes over and over again. See, I must've known that I would be poor again at some point, so while I was working I managed to buy a lot of clothes just for that purpose. Yes, just for that purpose...

Some of the clothes are wearing out though. However, there are some good second-hand stores here and I have picked up a few newish items that help the wardrobe situation. I do miss shopping though. I'm not sure if when I have a job again I will pick up the shopping habit with the same gusto I once had. I mean, by that time I'll officially have a masters in media studies and have lived in montreal for 2 years, which, combined, should make me 'more aware' of my 'modes of consumption', n' stuff. But if getting a high off buying $200 pants on sale for $35 is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.

Again, I shake my head.

It's going to snow again tonight. But it's warm (-5), so that's good. I wish I had snowshoes. A friend has some cross-country skies to give me, but I need boots to go with them and don't really have the spare cash for those. And, apparently, cross-country skies have to be the right length for your weight and height or else they don't work. Interesting. I'm just tired of not getting to be outdoors very much and I figure snowshoeing or x-country skiing would let me be outdoors and stay warm at the same time. Next winter, oh, next winter I will be ready.

2004-02-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Everyone-in-an-Uproar,
It was only a boob.
Love Robyn

P.S. How I cheer Janet's boob for making a superbowl appearance! There's really nothing I can say that Jon Stewart didn't last night on The Daily Show. So smart. e.g., let's watch bone-breaking, vertebrae-cracking action for a couple hours, broken up by ads (sex! power! cars! power! beer! erectile dysfunction meds!) and then a halftime show apparently all about conspicuous consumption, cock and sexual innuendo and, Oh lord! a boob! go to commercial! ah, a horse farting and a woman's face going up in flames, now there's family values. Is the U.S. the last place in the world where this could be a scandal? I'm quite sure that even Canada would just shrug its shoulders - I mean Alanis is always showing her boobs, plural.

2004-02-02T00:52:00.000-05:00

oh. god. new mountain goats cd. i read about it the other day and then i forgot and now it's on the radio! if i have to eat oatmeal for a week, i'm buying this cd. at this point i'm such a mountain goats addict/lover that there is no alternative to not running out and buying each new album as it comes out. it's just love. so much love.

2004-02-02T00:48:00.000-05:00

so much work to do, yet so much work not done. but it was the weekend, the *weekend*! i didn't even waste time watching the superbowl. mostly because if i had watched it time would have moved slower. holy crap, i'm so glad i'm not into football. i managed to catch beyonce's national anthem and then, by some miracle (haha), i turned on the tv to see miss jackson belted out (gasp) 'rhythm nation'! and then justin timberlake came on stage! i was all, whoa, and then i was all, i'm turning the tv off.

i had to keep turning the tv on and off all evening to check to see whether the game was over yet. it never was. until it finally was. and then there was a post-game thing. why do this? for *all-star survivor*! of course. and it was good. i know i shouldn't watch it b/c it's not so good for the blood pressure, but i can't help it. i've stopped watching csi and law&order and such shows because i figured out they were giving me nightmares (and, yes, what i suspect was boughts of high blood pressure - i have low blood pressure, and i think it just tends to shoot way up sometimes. no happy medium there. i realized that i even have to drink half-caffeinated coffee now! garr. and sugar = bad.)

anyway, all-star survivor is all tension. everyone knows how to play the game and everyone's freaked out a bit. oh, tv...

i did finish reading 'the thorn birds' yesterday. i had forgotten that it was a fairly depressing book really. i did enjoy it though - and for an historical, 'epic', romance type novel, the writing is decent.

i haven't started a new novel yet. instead i've been reading a book about facial disfigurement. there are a lot of first-person accounts in it, so it's pretty fascinating. and bound to give me a few nightmares. i can only remain academically detached for so long, y'know. actually, not for long at all. i'm all for objectivity and love objectivity, but i don't think it's the same as detachment. and i wouldn't want detachment really.

and blah blah blah. stop.

2004-01-31T14:57:00.000-05:00

it's an overcast saturday, early afternoon. I'm listening to DNTO on the radio, CBC's hipsterish saturday afternoon show. oh, and I've been reading The Thornbirds - it's like watching a really long, schlocky movie, but it works your brain a bit more, what with the reading and such. I found it at the Salvation Army store the other day (69 cents, how could I say no?), so I'm reading it. Or, more honestly, re-reading it. Did not everyone read this book in their teenage years? I did. I remember that it even made me cry. I'm at page five hundred something and I have yet to cry. Old age has hardened me so.

I have also been trying to write an abstract for a conference application, but just realized that I don't want to actually go to the conference. (for god's sake, it's in *winnipeg*. and i just don't have the cash to warrant *that*. hehe haha.) So I have given myself fully to the trashy novel and should be finished quite soon. Then I'll turn to more academic things. Er. I hope. All I want to do lately is read novels, lots of novels. I've got call numbers written down of all kinds of 'classics' that I can get out from the school library, but I'm avoiding taking those books out for fear of neglecting what I should be doing. Which is not reading novels.

Other things:
What about the life of blogs? People create them, write them and let them go from time to time or just give them up completely. I'd like to think a blog is like a good friend, and even if you don't write or talk to them for a long time, you can always come back to them and things will be okay, things could even be just like you'd spoken with them the other day instead of a year ago. That's what I'd hope. I may be cynical, but dammit, I'm still an optimist.

2004-01-26T15:45:00.000-05:00

now we are 29...

and ever so clever, yet feeling kinda guilty about it. hahaha. i had a birthday party and lots of people came out in the freezing cold to wish me all sorts of birthday goodness. the Twin Peaks theme turned out to be well-chosen. a friend shaved off his beard and kept the mustache so that he could be Pete ("a fish seemed to take a likin' to my percolator") and holy cow did he look like him - he even died his hair and slicked it down. brilliant. another friend showed up extremely late and managed to achieve exactly the same level of drunkness i had achieved (which was: the most drunk people at the party, oh yeah) - he was dressed as Leland Palmer, cardigan and craziness, and he made me dance with him. i was dressed as audrey, with the plaid skirt, sweater set and high heels. then my Leland friend put on a blonde wig and as if things weren't lynchian enough, started to pontificate about the montreal metro system. again, brilliant.

so now i am 29 and it feels pretty good. i think that today is the last day of my cold, but it's hard to tell just how sick i am b/c i believe i have the beastly 2-day hangover. aagh. i intended to be a good hostess and not drink too much, stick with my whisky and soda, y'know, but then people gave me alcohol (why do people always do that?) and there was coffee (twin peaks theme, yes) and there was some really good liquer to go in the coffee. and then there was a lot of wine just layin' around... i certainly crossed my line of excess. you know, once crossed there is no stopping me and it's all booze, drugs and falling down. thankfully i was surrounded by friends who were there both to catch me before i hit the floor and wrestle the bottles of red wine from my surprisingly strong grasp.

parties are fun.

2004-01-21T19:38:00.000-05:00

and also: i miss the gym. being sick, i didn't go yesterday or today. not b/c i'm lazy and using illness as an excuse, but b/c i fear fainting on the treadmill or, worse, under 50-plus pounds of weight. oh, or throwing up in either situation. that would all suck.

but yeah, the gym was closed on monday due to a pipe having burst somewhere. so i didn't even get to go on monday. so here i am at home, sick and laying around with no energy. and i miss the gym. i will go friday. everything's gonna be o-kay.... (freak.)

2004-01-21T19:32:00.000-05:00

oh, wait, of course there are things to complain about. hahaha. no, not complain, just muse about with a grimace on my face. like: all this talk of love today. on the radio, on tv, in my course readings, everywhere. and not just about relationships but about "true love". so, therefore, i've been thinking about that today and it's tough. b/c it makes me think about my bluddy fucking identity and self-doubt and things like that. ergh. However, as Oprah said (one has to watch oprah when sick; it's a rule), these things, such as heartbreak and self-doubt, happen to almost everyone, and though you feel like you're alone in it when it's happening to you, you know it's happened to many many other people. whoo, suffering! hahar. but you know, it happens. i just hope everyone's getting some good art out of it.

2004-01-21T19:28:00.000-05:00

No, I haven't forgotten my blog password.

I am full of decaf earl grey tea. blarrgh. I am also full of some really good cauliflower curry-type soup I made. Damn good. I had to make soup with lots of spices b/c yesterday I woke up with a sore throat. aaaagh. This is the first time I've been 'sick' since August. I'm not going to admit that I'm sick though, hence the quotation marks. I think I'm even feeling better now, what with all the soup and tea. (and chocolate pudding. with coconut on top.)

Also, I can't be sick because Saturday is my *birthday*. whoo! Not only is it my birthday, but it's my 29th birthday. *And* I'm having a party. *And* it's a Twin Peaks party! i'm all excited. I'm still deciding on who to be though: a dead laura palmer, a sultry yet naive audrey horne, or agent cooper. i'm leaning towards laura just for sheer creep-out factor. I mean, Twin Peaks was so much about that creepiness. I just re-watched the pilot and the first 5 episodes and had to cover my eyes a few times so as to avoid having the image of Bob re-burned into my brain again. I mean, it's there, but it's faded. So when I caught a glimpse of the scene where he's hiding at the end of laura's bed and grinning, well, I guess that glimpse was enough to re-traumatize me. oh well. it was worth it. er.

In other news, I've been cutting back on my tv-watching. Even American Idol can't keep me in front of the tube these days. I'm hunkering down to do all kinds of academic-like werk. i've got a lot to do. So I've made a few decisions re: tv. that is, only watch shows I really want to watch and try really really hard not to watch more than two hours in a row. I rarely do that anyway, but sometimes thursday nights get me. holy crap, i even talk too much about tv.

"the o.c.", however, remains good, solid entertainment. and "nip/tuck", well, if you didn't see it last week (which i believe was the season finale), you missed some awesome television. slickness. and i will stop now.

i'm also sitting in on a feminist media theory class (i'm technically finished all my course credits, so i'm just doing the readings and going to class but not having to worry about being graded. nice.) so yeah, that's interesting and relevant to what i'm researching. good stuff. still, i hope some fights break out in class. that'd be cool.

other things: I'm still going to London in April for a couple weeks and am still excited. whoo! london! my best friend is having a baby, which is great and exciting in itself. also, my brother is going to rome to run a marathon (for diabetes - he's diabetic) and will fly up to london for a few days while i'm there. i haven't seen him in well over a year, so that's also super exciting. so now i just have to work out where he can stay - hoping that nice london-dwelling friends will offer their floor or couch. I haven't yet asked people though. I'll probably need that couch/floor myself while in London, as I'll need to let my friend plus baby and husband be alone some days/nights. ah, well, such is trip-planning. i hate asking for favours though... (damn my independent streak.)

so, while i'm sick and busy with school and the magazine i edit and such, i'm in decent spirits. i'm also going to start reading a pynchon book. and make a few cds for a friend in need of new music. there is nothing to complain about. :)

2003-12-27T10:41:00.000-05:00

it's the post-christmas blog entry!
i've been busy. I suppose. I don't know. I've been doing things - work, school, social things - and just feeling tense and busy though I wonder if I really am or if I'm just not making time for things (avoiding them?) such as writing letters/email, cleaning my room (though the bathroom and kitchen are sparkling), or doing little things that take much brain power (budget things, conference proposals, etc.). aaagh is all i have to say about that.

yes, so instead of doing the little things that take much brain power, i have been avoiding them with things that take a modicum of brain power. like reading semi-trashy novels (tess of the d'ubervilles, anyone? 1960s books like 'how to live on nothing', and, oh yes, a john grisham book.) meanwhile, there is a vertical pile (okay, two) of library books i should be reading. and piles of cds i haven't refiled, and piles and piles of articles and old papers and such. *but*, it is christmas time. i'm not really doing anything about all this until monday. two more days! if only i can manage to live them guilt-free. ah, yeah, i bet i can.

yes, so i spent christmas here in montreal with a friend. on christmas eve, we ate tofu satay (which, seriously, is one of the best recipes in my collection. so very good.) and then got drunk on 9% quebec beer and then re-discovered some rum i had in my cupboard, mixed it with freshly sqozen orange juice and some berries i had in the freezer. whoo! yeah, so i had a bit of a christmas morning hangover, which was just fine b/c it encouraged me to sleep until noon and lead a very calm christmas-day existence. my mom had sent me a package full of little things to open christmas day (this included a new bathrobe! joy!) and my friend and i exchanged a few things too, which was very nice (i got a really nice wooly scarf that goes with the new (on-sale, yes) hat i bought the other day (i had to buy it; it is too cute.) then i made dinner, which i enjoy doing. no, no turkey: real mushroom soup (sort of like turkey stuffing, but in soup form!), fish (talapia) with almond-parmesan-parsley-lemon crust, brussel sprouts, and rosemary-balsamic yams. and a chocolate pecan pie type thing that i made sans sucre (with stevia). yum! and wine. and i even got to go for a walk in the falling snow after dinner. really nice. oh, and i watched 'the princess bride'.

a different kind of christmas, but it seems that every year is. and hurrah for that, i say.

2003-11-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a while, true, but this is easy, just a little cutting and pasting and voila, i've got a new aspect to my identity. ah, categorizing, will you ever lose?

William Faulkner wrote you. Yes, you're a genius,
you drunken old coot.

Which Author's Fiction are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm guessing it's b/c i chose 'bourbon' as my drink of course. but i was only being honest. mmm, bourbon.

in other news, i've decided to go with a Twin Peaks theme for my birthday in late january (last year was track suits, this year, twin peaks. it works, follow me here, people.) yes, so everyone will have to come dressed as a character! if they don't know the show, i'm just telling them to dress as an bumbling fbi agent or a high-class pacific northwest whore. mwah ha! it will rock. i think i'm going to get a blond wig, a shower curtain (or maybe some more accurate clear plastic tarping) and some seaweed and go as laura palmer (which is great b/c i was janet leigh from psycho for halloween. yes, bloody shower curtain excellence.) i'm going to get people to bring their coffee makers so we can drink coffee all night long (wif alcohol. i mean, it's a party.) and there will be pie. lots of pie. and doughnuts. does it not *already* rock?! whoo!

2003-10-18T19:38:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or is free alcohol just totally impossible to turn down? I mean, in certain contexts, such as school-related functions where you know people and the event is more like a party at someone's house except they won't have to clean up the next day. And there's free alcohol.

So, last night I attended a journal launch event, planning on only going for about an hour, having a glass of cheap red and then heading home for some much needed sleep, which would allow me to wake up on time to go to my 10am French class Saturday morning. Ah, you can see it all unraveling already. The thing is, I always do this. I think I'm starting to learn though. Well, learning that if I say I'm not going to drink, that I inevitably will drink. Not, like, learning anything about moderation or self-control or practicality or anything, no.

One glass of wine turns into four and two beers. And an hour turns into six. But hey, it was fun. French class, well, it was hard to concentrate. And I got there 30 minutes late... bad. But my hangover was subtle - a slight headache and stomach quesyness accompanied by a general sense of relaxation. You know, that "whatever" hangover attitude. It's kind of nice, kind of freeing.

So in this state, apres french class, j'ai fait le magazinage. Well, I actually went looking for running shoes b/c mine are almost dead and certainly no good for actually running, which I'd like to do (shock! horror! eegh.) But I didn't find any. *But* I did do something out of character: I bought earrings! Two pairs! I never wear earrings anymore, haven't for years. Probably just due to laziness, I don't know. But lately I've been feeling a need to wear earring. Maybe b/c I'm growing my hair? I don't know. So I bought two pairs of hoop-type earrings - one smallish silver pair that's kind of wider at the bottom than the top and another smallish pair with tiny little pastel-coloured jewels in them. They're really cute. And pretty. And perhaps will make me feel cute and pretty. We shall see...

But the funny thing is that I forgot to buy some rubbing alcohol to disinfect them. I think I might just use some rum. That's all I've got. Vodka would probably be better though, right? Rum has other stuff in it. But it's mostly alcohol. Ah, see how this post has come full-circle? Yes, it's a nice little alcohol-themed package...

2003-10-07T23:20:00.000-04:00

Well, y'know, it's cold out now. And my hands are cold *right now*. aaagh. I had briefly forgotten about winter. People talk about how they love the changing of seasons, the clear definition of summer into fall into winter, etc. Does this clarity of weather, this compartmentalising really help me though? No. I'd like a nice homogenous-type climate, please. That's where I'm from and that's what I like. ah, well, maybe I'll like winter better this year. haha.

I've been really busy. School, editing, etc. And last weekend was the Pop Montreal festival, so I saw a lot of bands for four nights in a row. I loved it all. If only life were always like that. Well, I guess it would be if I lived in New York and had some kind of music-critic gig that allowed me access to every show. Or if I were rich.

I bought the new Belle and Sebastian album today. And it's good! I was hesitant for some reason. Worried that it would disappoint. It does not. It's just damn fun. And it reminds me of a lot of bands I associate with good times, or growing up, or friends, happiness, you know. Like The Who, Fleetwood Mac, The Rolling Stones, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, Phil-Spector soul-pop, all those big ones that made it into my childhood and therefore I cannot criticize b/c they're too close to this heart o' mine.

Ah, also, yesterday I saw The Aisler's Set and Yo La Tengo. Greatness! People ask me why I go to so many shows, why I like going to shows, questions whose answers I think are evident to all music lovers. Well, this show and Pop Montreal are good answers. It's that live-music *feeling*. The lights, the music, the crowd, the personalities of the band members, all of it. I mean, for one song James and Georgia were doing hand movements and twirls while Ira sang.

in other news, i need to buy a new walkman. this walking around and being on public transit music-less is getting to me. i thought i'd buy a cd walkman, but now i think i'm just going to go for the old tape-style and say hello to e-bay for that purchase. ooh, e-bay. i can feel the addiction forming already...

2003-09-26T15:51:00.000-04:00

So yesterday things happened. I'm still fairly unmotivated to do certain kinds of work I should be doing, but am not too worried about it. Yet. Always yet. I'm supposed to be writing a big article for the Grad Students' Association magazine for which I am now the editor and, well, it's going slowly. Which is all my fault, what with being slow and all. Monday is a new day! And the weekend is the weekend! I have a lot of work to do otherwise as well. Do I care? Sort of. Do certain things take it all off my mind? Oh, yes! These certain things are:

I bought a ticket to London (England) yesterday! At a remarkable price! (and i get to avoid AirCanada. mwaha!) I can't really afford it anyway, but my best friend is going to have a baby in late March and I want to be there. She's managed to make this coincide with a really interesting conference too. Not that I wouldn't have come over otherwise, but hey. Yes, so I'm flying over March 30 and coming back April 20. It's a nice amount of time - I'll probably spend it all in London, maybe a trip to Wales if the conference ends up being there (it's either there or London, but prob there, which is cool.) My brother is running a marathon in Rome in late March too (fully paid for, in fact, b/c he's got a chronic illness! I think this is the first time he's ever been even mildly positive about having diabetes... eesh.) , so he's going to fly up to London after that. I feel so jet-set. Oh, bottom-rung jet-set, but jet-set nonetheless.

(Did you know? - Did you know that jet-set actually comes from the German word Jeitzeit, which means something about 'the people' and 'the trends'? Yep. I read that somewhere. Probably Benjamin, I don't know.)

Another thing taking my mind off other things: I went to a show, part of the Pop Montreal festival (it was Washington Social Club, Metric (so good! buy album now!) and Stars). I had to go alone b/c a friend bailed on me (in a rather crappy way too, but screw him.), but I always go to shows alone. Anyway, I met a really nice guy in line. This never happens! So I got to hang out with someone cool at the show, and even exchange numbers afterwards (oooh.)

And it's pretty much officially Autumn/Fall now. I didn't wear a jacket today and am glad I rode my bike so I only have to suffer 5 minutes of chilly wind instead of the 25 I would have to suffer if I had walked. I'm debating about going to more Pop Montreal tonight. Mostly money reasons. But then, cute-boy reasons might over-ride that.

I'm going to look up how to make apple butter now. It being apple season and all.

2003-09-24T22:24:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I am a crappy blogger. This was well known at the beginning. I had some computer trouble, then some being-busy trouble, and before that some boy trouble. So, y'know.

So now I'm all single, internet-co-nected, academically directed and probably even going to a conference in the U.K. in the spring. Excitant! And my best friend, who happens to live in London is going to have a *baby* at the end of March. All the more reason to pull out the credit card and book a trip I can't afford. I say.

I've gotten way too into television. Or, I was. Now it's just annoying me and I always find myself turning it off after a few minutes. Agh, I'm reverting! Probably a good thing, everyone might say, but, y'know, tv... I'm all 'prioritizing' things and tv isn't fitting in very well. Who would think.

Oh, but I do have a new cat! A friend gave him to me b/c her son is allergic. So now I have two cats. It's pretty nice. He's a big, yet skinny orange thing, a little on the siamese side, with that kind of gravelly meow. aw. love him.

In other "new things" news: I bought a pair of tall black leather boots! I have searched my entire life for boots like this and they practically smacked me in the face when I wasn't looking! And, as if a surprise perfect-boot purchase weren't enough, they were on *sale*. Like $250 boots for $80! (Cdn!). Oh, they are beautiful. With round toes and a small heel. And not one of those annoying, space-agey attached-type heels that have prevented me from buying (admittedly lesser) boots in the past. No, a proper, classic heel. Wow, eh? The store I got them in is Italian too. They wanted to make me an espresso (with their insane pro espresso maker, which I believe is Italy's contribution to the international space program), but it was 6pm and that would have destroyed all chances of sleeping for the next 3 days.

Anyway, things are a little exciting and a little weird right now. In that way where you know things are going to happen but you're not sure when or how. It's a good thing I turned off the tv.

2003-08-27T23:41:00.000-04:00

warning re: tiling one's floor: Wear kneepads. Or wrap towels around your knees. Or something. Because my knees are a bit bruised up and it's still summer so people will see my knees and may think to themselves, hm, her knees are pretty bruised up, what kind of shenanigans has she been up to? And I'll think back in my head, No! I was just tiling my bedroom floor! And they'll be all, Oh, tiling the bedroom floor, is that what they're calling it these days? And I'll be left standing on the sidewalk having conversations in my head while examining my own knees and implicating myself in knee-related sexual acts. It's all in your head! But I don't think it is. I know how people think. People are Dirty.

Anyway, I tiled again today. You know, since the fetish has sunk in and all. I had some tiles left over so I did the front entrance way (which was looking sad) and then remembered that I hadn't tiled my closet. So I tiled that. And then there was nothing left to tile and only 4 tiles left. And I was sad. But my knees were not.

2003-08-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

I tiled my bedroom yesterday! The way I've been going on about it, you'd think it was the accomplishment of the summer. And you'd be right. Yes, that and understanding French. It's a fun fun life, it is. Ah, but the thing is that I've had these wood-look laminate tiles sitting on my bedroom floor, halfway under my bed since mid-November. Yeah. I just didn't have the time to think about expending the effort it would take to haul stuff around and out of my room to lay floor tiles down. But, yesterday I was inspired. What inspires tile-laying, I cannot tell you, but it hit me! I even took all the books off my gigantic bookshelf so that I could tile under it. I was in full-on perfectionist tiling mode! I measured, I cut, I got my fingers sticky with tile glue! (ooh, that smacks of innuendo, don't it?)

Anyway, I'm developing a floor fetish. It's like getting a new pair of shoes - I can't stop looking at them for a few days and squealing with delight. Not *actually* squealing, of course, but more of an internal hopping up and down and yelling 'yaaay' in my head. Though I have been going around saying, "wow, floor tiles make such a big difference. And I did it all myself, etc." But seriously now, the floor was dirty maroon painted plywood with a few rugs thrown over it in a sad attempt to conceal the ghetto flooring. Gawd, my eyes have been re-opened to the extent my ass-sitting can get to.

Yesterday I also made an amazing fish curry. And Jeny got kicked off Canadian Idol. Banner day it was. (haha, no, i actually kinda liked jeny and her weird newfie psychotic stare.)

2003-08-04T17:35:00.000-04:00

Another good thing about being home is not eating cafeteria food every day. I can feel my health returning despite this nagging cold (which will die very soon. die.) Wow, vegetables that aren't drenched in some kind of sauce! And, what's this? Flavour? Spices? Hurrah! I've made curry two nights in a row.

Of course, I also bought good ice cream. But c'mon now, if you're going to eat sugary stuff, ice cream is the best thing you can choose. So say I. At least it's got a little nutritional value. I was eating these cookies at the cafeteria in Moncton that were really good tasting, but probably each cookie was the equivalent of a a bag of store-bought cookies. The grease came off on your fingers. Yeah, so with those eliminated from my life, my body has begun to feel better. It's just hard when you see an unlimited supply of cookies (we didn't pay for our meals - we had a pre-paid food plan, so the cafeteria was pretty much just an unlimited buffet.) to say "No, I don't want a cookie. No, I don't want another cookie." Well, for me it's hard. So now I am back to Normal. Phew. All I want to eat is real food that I make myself. And my oven isn't working, so I can't bake cookies ;)

Speaking of things not working/falling apart... When I got home on Saturday, I noticed that half the kitchen ceiling was hanging on by a thread. Yes, and water was sploshed across half the kitchen too! Wow! Nothing says Welcome Home like major house repairs! Apparently this happened on Friday. So the landlord came over Saturday afternoon and they hacked away at the *fully rotten* wood boards in the ceiling, trying to figure out what had happened. Turns out it wasn't a slowly leaking pipe. It was a slowly leaking washing maachine! Yes, somehow the woman upstairs didn't realize that her washing machine had been leaking for, oh, probably a year, and was sitting in a grand puddle of water! It's a bluddy wonder the machine didn't come through our ceiling... seriously, it could've. eesh. So, I get to have cheap-hire repairmen trapsing in and out of the house for at least two weeks. At least they're going to fix the dripping faucets in both kitchen and bathroom. Maybe they'll put in new windows that actually keep the cold out. hahahahahahaha. ah. ha.

2003-08-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I got warmed up with that lipstick post.

I speak French! It's awesome! I could understand all the French announcements on the train back here! I could understand French programs on tv while recovering from that (painful and 3-hour late) 18-hour train ride! It rocks. I'm on my way to bilingualism, people. And if I don't live up to that Promise to Self, you can chastise me. Please.

I highly recommend immersion programs such as the one I went on (especially if they are free and supported by your country's government.) It was totally intense and I was tired every day and had no free time or time to myself, but *whatever*, I know French. Well, I'm at an intermediate level of French and can speak and comprehend waaay better than before. The writing and reading isn't the problem, it's the quick thinking bit. Yeah, so I'm much better at that. It's cool to actually be able to perceive the change upon return to Montreal. So I must continue in my French-learnin' ways, having come this far.

I'm not going to write in French today though. Je ne veux pas maintenant. C'est humide aujourd'hui et je suis paresseuse. Oh non! J'ecris en francais et j'ai dit que je n'ecriverais pas. Oh well. At least I didn't put in any of the all-important accent marks.

Agh, I just caught a glimpse of a pile of lipsticks sitting on my desk. I'm not going out tonight, but they call to me "Robyn, robbbbbyyyynnn, choose one of us and go out with lipstick on. pleeeease." Do I need to purchase some kind of Kaboodles-like hot-pink and electric-blue plastic box/make-up organizer? The thought hurts me. But it is necessary, I'm thinking. I'd much rather get a fishing tackle box and convert that instead. I daren't risk having to go to Wal-Mart to find such a specialty item as the former. And gawd knows that I exceeded my lifetime maximum Wal-Mart visits while in Moncton. Seriously, it was close (ish) to where I was living in Moncton and we went to get our photos developed there. A lot of people really love Wal-Mart. I can see why, but any love I have for it quickly dissipates after, well, after being there for 3 -7 minutes (depending on who comes into my field of vision and what they are buying. levels of horror. Levels. of. Horror.)

I have heat delerium, perhaps. It's been humide all day and then it rained like crazy, like the sky was a giant showerhead, but the kind with the big holes that kind of has bigger drips rather than those needle-like jets of water. agh, i hate those.) And now the sun threatens to come out. And I have a cold. And a lot of lipstick.

2003-08-04T17:06:00.000-04:00

in lieu of a proper post about how i'm finally back from Moncton, NB, and how my brain is all screwed up with English-French, I'm going to comment on the following thing I noticed upon return home:

I have a helluva lot of lipstick.

You know how sometimes when you get back from, say, a month away from home, and you realize that, oh, what you thought was your System of Organization is actually just a series of piles of miscellanea, so you attempt to really organize. Or something. Part of my attempt to organize was to address the situation on my "beauty shelf". This is a shelf containing various creams, lotions, hair accessories, nail polish, and a few jam-packed vanity-type cases (you know, the kind you get free from Clinique. Yes, all my friends are furnished with them, courtesy of moi. (another good thing about being home is having my dictionaries (English-english, not french-english), so that i can look up words like bluddy courtesy. why is it spelled like that?) anyway, i have a lot of lipstick.

lipstick is important though. yes. this is why i have at least 30 different lipsticks. oh, i don't like all of them, but i keep them anyway. And even the ones I do like, I forget about in favour of New and Different lipsticks. It's sad. poor lipsticks. And you know I don't even wear lipstick every day. I don't even wear it every night, for that matter. Why? Because I'm constantly searching for the perfect lipstick. The one I *can* wear every day and every night. Hence, all the lipstick.

Do you see how I have laid this all out with logic and grace? Everything can be explained somehow when you think about it. Everything.

Further to this argument, I have sensitive skin, so this makes life even more difficult. There are some people who just get bored of lipstick and can wear any lipstick at all, from the cheapest drugstore brand to Chanel (mmm, chanel lipstick... it's like, $32 Cdn, I kid you not. I've never bought it, but someone gave me a free tube they got free in a giveaway. Yeah, it was hot pink, but it was Luxury for the Lips. One day I will buy my own Chanel lipstick and it will be perfect. I just know it...). Anyway, my sensitivities manifest in dry lips. Which is, seriously, the worst. Lipsticks that do that to me should die. Yet I keep them, hoping that maybe it's just me and my body-chem will, oh, change to accomodate that perfect cherry hue. I blame teenage magazine reading for all this.

2003-07-18T15:57:00.000-04:00

``i invent everything, even memories``

i`m obviously in a poetry mood today:
http://www.library.utoronto.ca/canpoetry/moure/poem2.htm
i like erin mouré.
i like poetry. that whole website at u of t is great. all canadian, all the time, yo.

2003-07-18T15:53:00.000-04:00

ooh, the french continues! i`m so busy though. i`m searching the internet, doing a bit of research for a presentation. i came across a poem i like, which resonates with me today, somehow. it`s just damn hot outside, and the winter was so cold, maybe that`s it. y`know, having grown up in vancouver, where the weather is mild all year round, where we don`t have these insane extremes. i was shocked by the extremes i experienced in montreal this year, seriously. shocked. as well, we`ve been reviewing all things weather in french class and learning a few new expressions. one can never know too many words in foreign languages that can be used to talk about the weather. these words are value-added, i tell you, value added! anyway, poem:

THE WEATHER

I'd like to live a slower life.
The weather gets in my words
and I want them dry. Line after line
writes itself on my face, not a grace
of age but wrinkled humour. I laugh
more than I should or more
than anyone should. This is good.

But guess again. Everyone leans, each
on each other. This is a life
without an image. But only
because nothing does much more
than just resemble. Do the shamans
do what they say they do, dancing?
This is epistemology.

This is guesswork, this is love,
this is giving up gorgeousness to please you,
you beautiful dead to be. God bless
the weather and the words. Any words. Any weather.
And where or whom. I'd never taken count before.
I wish I had. And then
I did. And here
the weather wrote again.

John Newlove

2003-07-10T16:05:00.000-04:00

je me sens...
je me sens, um, débordé? well, perhaps for a bit. now i`m just sens-ing french. like, everything is french. me=french. it`s therefore hard to write in english at the moment - a bit annoying since, well, my life kinda revolves around, oh, knowing how to write well in english. lardeelar. i`m sure that once this french sinks in a bit more, i`ll be back to my old self, making puns and using the english language for what it was meant for - witticisms! or something of that sort. i made a pun in french the other day! there was a choice of evening activities and one of them was making candy, yes, faire les bonbons. et, parce que je suis un peu sensible au sucre, j`ai dit: c`est n`est pas bon bon pour moi. hahahahaha. yes, please, stop yourself or you`ll give yourself a bellyache and wreck your eyeliner. puns are always a minor victory, especially when they ellicit french-accented groans. fab.

i`m desperately missing my music collection. in my rush out of the house to get the train, i managed to pack a mere 6 cds. i`ve been borrowing a friend`s (really old) discman, hence the cds instead of tapes. my lovely and great walkman was dropped to many times. rather, i dropped my lovely and great walkman too many times. when will a lovely and great iPod come my way? sigh. actually, the money situation truly suXors right now, which means i should be asking myself things more along the lines of When will a lovely and great meal that consists of something other than oatmeal come my way? ah, no, it hasn`t quite gotten to that; i`m a frugal shopper and I believe this is what has kept me going sans oatmeal dinners for this long. here in moncton though, what with this being a government-sponsored let`s-learn-french-like-we-should-have-when-we-were-young program, the food is all paid for. so i`m Eating Well. and being healthy and going to the gym and going for long walks and all these other things. i`m studying too, of course. the only drawback is that it`s summer and i`d rather be at the beach all day. because the beach in bluddy fabulous. we went on the weekend and i didn`t want to leave. i went swimming for a really long time. i want a summer house on the beach, west coast or east coast, doesn`t matter to me as long as there`s an ocean i can swim in (and not die a horrible pollution-caused death.)

right-o. bien. alors!
oh, i learned a little acadian jig last night in a little acadian dance lesson. it rocks. i`ve added it to my very small cache of Things I Can Do. I`m still trying to figure out what else is in that cache: um, picking people up in a fireman hold; talking about cyborg-related ideas; push-ups; extended rambling; speaking french (!); speaking english (?); eating oatmeal. hahaha. lists are greatness.

the french has obviously gotten to my head and is eating away at my brains. brains, mmm.
robyn

2003-06-30T14:21:00.000-04:00

so...
I`m in Moncton, New Brunswick, speaking French. Therefore I am losing my ability to speak English. You know, everything`s gotten simplified in my head. I brought ``War and Peace`` to read, however, so maybe that`ll remedy things. hahaha. That would mean I`d have to read it in my spare time instead of drinking beer and chatting with people (en francais, bien sur). hm. We shall see.

A good thing though is that I`m realizing that I know a lot more French than I thought I knew. And by the time these five weeks are up, I`ll know more. Hurrah! But right now all my vocabulary has disappeared and i`m bluddy tired - 17 hours on a train! Talking to old ladies! Reading `War of the Worlds`! `Sleeping` unsoundly! Et maintenant, je dois parler francais? um, oui.

2003-06-22T23:52:00.000-04:00

Oh, the diet vanilla coke. I had it with dinner. I'm not good with sugar (headaches, fatness ensue), so I rarely drink pop, and, for that matter, I rarely eat fake sugar (it scares me.), but sometimes, well, one needs something sweet. And diet vanilla coke is exceptionally sweet. In fact, I could only drink a third of it. But it's waiting in my fridge for tomorrow. And that will end the diet vanilla coke craving for a while, I expect.

Last night I stayed home and was boring and sick. *But* I got to watch the most recent episodes of "Farscape". Wow. So good it makes me want to write for tv. Now that's powerful stuff.

2003-06-22T23:46:00.000-04:00

On Thursday, I went to see a one-woman play at the Fringe festival. It was pretty good, you know, Fringe-y, but not too Fringe-y. Lots of talk about breasts and orgasms and growing old(er). I was entertained. And glad that I never had to go through the torture of wearing girdles or corsets every day. Funny too, because here in Montreal in the summer everyone seems to wear *as little as possible* in public. There is no room for supportive underwear if any underwear at all.

So, after the play I went for tea with a friend and then walked down St. Laurent and watched people and things. Hopped on the metro home and this little old Chinese man sat down next to me. He pulled out a bus transfer and started tearing and folding it. Two stops later he hands it to me. He's turned it into a horse. He smiles and says nothing, just walks the horse over to me through the air, his hand moving from side to side in a happy horse way. I say "merci" and I say "thank you". Of course, I smile too. He pulls out another transfer and makes another horse, which he put on the floor of the metro and blows at to make it move. He smiles, I smile. No one else seems to really be watching. By this time I'm one stop away from where I have to get off, so I make that move that people make when they need to get off at the next stop: sort of a slow lifting of self from seat and towards the nearest open handhold. The old man pulls out a lotto ticket and begins folding it. Right before the metro stops he hands his latest to me - it turns out to be a boat. I smile and put the horse in it. He smiles. I say "goodbye" and "au revoir" and step off the train as he pulls another transfer from his back pocket.

2003-06-22T23:37:00.000-04:00

I was walking down a hill by my house today around 7pm, still far from sunset and still as hot as mid-day. I had to get out because I've been sick for three days. Three days that represent the only days I've been sick since last June. Gar. But anyway. I had walked up that hill to go to the store for no particular reason. Though when I got to the store I realized I needed toilet paper and it was on sale (I never buy toilet paper when it's not on sale. I mean, I have principles.) I also needed a sympathy card for my grandma, whose husband died this week (it is sad, yes, I know. I didn't really know him, but she had been married to him for four years. My longest relationship has been two years and several months. So, four years is nothing to shake a stick at, especially when you're in your 70s. So, yes, it is sad.) I also bought a diet vanilla coke, which I have been on the lookout for for at least two weeks, that is, since the first and last time I had a diet vanilla coke. Later on I will explain why a) diet and b) coke. I mean, really, I have to justify it to myself too. So, walking down that hill: 7pm and it was still as warm as mid-day outside. Finally, it's summer, I thought, as sweat found its way to the part my lower back where I notice that, yes, sweat does indeed trickle.

Two male cyclists, in full spadex gear and expensive road bikes, were racing each other up the hill. It appeared to be a finale of sorts and I assumed they had just come from a few hours of cycling along the canal. I don't know whether they were smiling from the competition or whether they simply had to keep their mouths wide open to get enough air in their lungs to make it up the hill. Whatever the case, their race appeared to end in a tie and they high-fived each other. The brown-haired one then turned his bike around and headed back down the hill, to the amusement of his friend. As he powered back up the hill, as I felt every one of my downhill steps shudder through my body, he still smiled, though I could see that every muscle was straining. I wanted to compare him to a machine and then thought that was unfair. Our bodies are not machines. We might think we put fuel in and energy comes out, but there's much more to us than that. What compells someone, after biking up a long hill to turn back down that hill and do it all over again. It is not efficient, it has no meaning other than to do it, and to know that one can do it. A machine does not have these thoughts, and a machine certainly doesn't smile while doing it.

The thing is that I really like machines. And robots. And cyborgs. I like the idea of the human machine so much. But I think that perhaps I'm defining "machine" differently here, as in a machine I "like", rather than cogs and wheels and bits and bytes. If we are machines, then we're very funny machines, chaotic and unpredictable. I can't imagine our cyborg incarnations being any less chaotic. In fact, they'll probably be more so.

2003-06-18T15:59:00.000-04:00

yes, it's been a few days. a very busy few days. for some reason I chose to go out dancing from 2:30 am until, oh, 12:30 pm on saturday morning/saturday afternoon (...). A friend came to town for the purpose of seeing this dj, so, y'know, I was obliged. Hahar, I totally wanted to go too. Little did I know we'd be out so late/early. On top of that, I had a presentation on Tuesday for my class. Somehow I managed to be awake enough to write that and meet with my presentation group. And the presentation went really well! So, I got to have a fun-packed weekend *and* be academically inclined. It's scary that.

Of course, last night I slept for 10+ hours.

I also made this really great bean-lentil curry on Saturday night, which I mention b/c I'm eating the last of it right now. It required the use of over half the spices on my spice shelf! But it was really fast, cheap and easy to make. Yeah, it's the small things that make my day. Some days anyway. Today is a small-things-are-good day, e.g., trashy novel, clean kitchen floor, fleshly washed cat (he needed it), bean curry leftovers, not reading Freud or thinking about Freud or presenting Freud (synecdochally, of course. which may or may not be a made up word.)

There are a few dancefloor stories to tell, but I don't know if I feel like telling them now. And whether they're actually only good stories to me...
robyn

2003-06-13T01:21:00.000-04:00

mmm, sweet, sweet chemical enhancement.
this really comes as no surprise. but i had kinda hoped for, like, e or shrooms, what with their intensity and all. however, maybe i am not as much about intensity as i am about talking endless theory circles around, oh, "Farscape". and, when i think about it, a five-question quiz made up by somebody on the internet might not capture my entire personality. or, well, it might be the most accurate thing in the world! maybe even the universe.

Weed.
Youre the baby of the drugs,
and thats okay,
because Im sure,
I could do you all day.

Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-11T23:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think about how sad it is that I don't have satellite tv. I am missing out on so many things. Like, if I had satellite tv, I could watch every country's version of "American Idol". Wouldn't that be great? And if I had a bunch of tvs I could set them up and wait until everyone was singing "Respect" or "Somewhere over the rainbow" and then I would get to listen to a multicultural, international choir of popstar hopefuls. But right now I'm settling for a weekly viewing of Canadian Idol, hosted by (cough, hack, blaaargh) Ben Mulroney. He's such an assface.
(yes, pink shirt, lightweight khaki jacket, hair. i know...)

2003-06-11T22:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday in the Freud class we discussed many things, among them was fetishism. In illuminating Freud's writings on the subject, one of my classmates went over the many "fetishes" he had come across in his research. I need not say that this research was almost entirely limited to the internet. I mean, why would one go anywhere else? The internet is the Domain of Fetishism!!! It's totally not shocking, I know, but seriously now, once you begin cataloguing all these fetishes, it becomes a bit crazy. And having some kind of fetish appears as "normal" and everyone is then trying to outdo everyone else in their eXtreMe fetishisation of ExTreme things. But, as we learned from Freud, fetishes can and usually are pretty serious pathological states of mind caused by the scariness of the vagina. Oh, maybe times have changed and perhaps fetishism is being rethought or normalized to certain degrees. But remember: If you are unsettled in the least and are a boy, the Vagina = scary scary trauma! You may end up requiring the help of stuffed toys for your orgasming. Or you might go the more traditional leather and latex route. Whatever the case, I only wish boys the best in their initial encounters with the Vagina. May it not scare you into fetishism at an early age. Oh, and if you get scared but don't develop a fetish, then the vagina might make you a homo-sex-ual. That's just how it is.

2003-06-08T23:04:00.000-04:00

The GFG:
Without the GFG, well, I wouldn't be as happy as I am. I wouldn't get to say things like, "Yes, this is the best chicken I've ever had - I marinated it in (all these things) and then put it on the GFG." And those in the know are, like, "I love the GFG!" and "I didn't even bother *eating food* before the GFG!"

The thing is that I didn't buy the famed George Foreman Grill because of it's fat-sloughing capabilities or anything. I bought it because a) it cooks things fast, b) many of those things are made of pork, c) it was on sale, and d) haha, ah, George. In fact, I usually pour the fat/marinate back over the cooking meat (or vegetables even, but only the ones with fat, y'know, those ones) when it's half-way cooked. I just love the GFG. I love the conversation it inspires. I heart it so bad I should put my name on it. No, I should heavyweight box, have a bunch of kids named Robyn, decide that I need a more efficient way of cooking bacon, and *then* put my name on it. I can smell the pork-flavoured cash now...

2003-06-08T22:53:00.000-04:00

A word (or a thousand words) about Television (the medium, the technology, that is).

Sometimes when I'm talking I'll sometimes end up talking about television, whether it be tv shows, the act of tv watching, the craptasticness of my television set technology, whatever. And sometimes I'll preface the tv talk with "Maybe you don't watch tv, but..." as kind of a disclaimer. Like a way to show I "understand" if someone doesn't watch tv and may not be able to "relate" to what I'm about to go on (and possibly on) about. But really, this is just a front, an intellectual ruse. What I'm really thinking is, "If you don't watch tv, well, you're missing out. Boy, who doesn't watch tv? Why wouldn't you watch tv? What's Your Problem?" and things like that. Because at some point in the past, somewhere between the middle of second year university and the end of my first year of working Full Time, I didn't watch very much tv. Yes, I only had two channels really, and they were fuzzy, but I also felt tv was somewhat below me. Now, I may have "felt" that way, but I certainly didn't "believe" in that silliness. I'm so on par with television it's not even funny.

Ah, television. Television is an essential part of my Wasting Time Efficiently (Grand) Master (Flash) Plan (tm). I don't even have cable. I have three (sometimes four) channels in English and four channels in French. I tell you though, that's *a lot* of tv. When I'm in the mood to watch tv, it's like a galaxy of options. When I'm not in the mood to watch tv, it distracts me for a few minutes and then I give up on it. You see, I understand the strength of television. And it is only as strong as its viewer. That's right, I am not weak when I watch tv, no, I am strong b/c I am In Control. I choose not to watch tv shows, but to watch tv, the thing. In doing that, my time flies by. It becomes tv's time. tv and me, we're all symbiotic n' shit. Perhaps an example will illustrate what I mean here: Yesterday night, while not reading for class and preparing presentation for Tuesday, I turned on the tv. A show called "Mysterious Ways" was on. It's totally bad and therefore good and has managed to last over two seasons. Also, it's filmed in Vancouver (and area). So I watched that. Sometimes it makes me cry b/c of the Miracles it illustrates. People in hospital, people discovering their soul mates, people finding Spiritual Strength. Also, Rae Dawn Chong is in it. Usually Mutant X comes on after this show, but not last night. Which is unfortunate b/c Mutant X is also a really bad but great show (even though it's filmed in Toronto, not Vancouver.) So, in my never-ending quest to Waste Time Efficiently, I flipped the channel* and found that the movie "Scream" was playing on one of the French Channels.

French channels are great for showing fairly recent and okay/supergreat-on-a-Saturday-night-when-you-should-be-studying movies. In French, the movie is called "Frissons". I love that.

I guess the key for me when it comes to watching tv is never to think about all the other things I could have done during the time it took to watch whatever the hell it was that I was watching. This is just a very Wrong trajectory to follow when thinking about television. It's kind of like physics. Well, it's kind of about relativity and time. You know, Television Time is not like Reading Time or Showering Time or Making Out with a Cute Boy Time. All of these things illustrate the very relativity of time wasting/spending. I need not go into the highly scientific and rigourously researched equations on the matter.

Hm. It seems that what has happened is that I had too much coffee today. And too much sunshine. But hey, it inspired me to write a blawg entry, so that combination can't be all bad. Not bad at all.

*flipping channels is essential to watching tv. You are not truly watching tv unless you are flipping channels. I'm such an expert at it that I don't even need a remote control. No, I get up and flip the channel. That is how dedicated I am to the act of watching tv (not the amateur act of merely watching tv shows, oh no.)

2003-06-02T00:56:00.000-04:00

Also this week, I've been spending time (read: wasting time efficiently) researching exercise and ways of eating (I hesitate to use the world "diet" here b/c people misinterpret that to mean a short-term, faddish way of losing weight, when what I mean by "diet" is actually a way of eating healthily and for life.) While I haven't been sick at all since moving to Montreal (shocking, I know), I haven't been feeling all that healthy. Yes, these things matter to me (as always, please send your complaints care of The West Coast, Canada.) What this all means is that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and go for a 30 minute bike ride right way. It's called Morning Cardio, people! While I have been doing my usual 3x/week weights sessions at the Y, I haven't been keeping up in the cardio department, though I have been biking across town a lot, which counts for something. However, I feel like my heart needs more. And I need to be a powerful force when the revolution comes. Oh yes.

This is all really interesting to me though, not just on a personal level. The interweb is chock full of stuff about diet and exercise. It's amazing (though not shocking at all). But, yeah, since this is a blog: on a personal level, I'm a fan of low-carb eating myself b/c sugar and white starches totally do me in. I still eat carbs (I am not insane - I too need chocolate), but in moderation, and I eat so much more healthily this way (which I've been doing for about a year and a half). It's amazing that when, say, pasta or rice is not the centre of your meal, but only acts in a condiment-like way, how many vegetables you eat. And protein, of course. As an example, this site has a lot of interesting information on it: www.lowcarb.ca. I sort of stumbled across low-carb eating b/c my skin was having 'issues' and a lot of what I read suggested cutting sugar and white flour out of one's diet (or at least limiting it to once or twice a week as after-dinner dessert only). So I did, and voila, my skin got better. And on top of that I got more energy and lost some weight. At that time I was also riding my bike every day and exercising with weights 2 or three times a week. However, I was still carrying around weight on my waist and stomach. It totally went away when I changed the way I ate! So, well, having gone through that experience myself, I find all this stuff on the web chronicling other people's experiences fascinating. Okay, so I find the whole internet fascinating, but right now, this is drawing my focus. I'm also trying to write an abstract about diet blogs, so all this is done in the name of research. Research! Yaay.

2003-06-02T00:11:00.000-04:00

Well, thinking about it, it's been a pretty busy week. I never notice these things while they're happening. Probably because I'm too busy watching Farscape and thinking that all I do is waste time watching tv shows on videotape and scouring the interweb for, well, whatever I'm thinking about at the moment. I'm a very efficient time waster. This is why I think I should carry on in the academic world I currently find myself in. And it really is another world. Or, if you'd rather go 80s, prime time and blacker, a different world. Ooh, that joke goes straight out to Ken, as I believe it's in his stylee.

Anyway, I'm still Reading Freud. It's good. I had a meeting the other night with my group (b/c we have group presentations to do - usually I'm not happy about such situations, but in this case, the presentation takes the place of an essay. One cannot complain.) The meeting was fairly productive and also involved 2 bottles of wine. No, not each. But still, good. I'd argue that we needed the mental lubrication. And Freud would no doubt have something to say about that too. He liked his cocaine, I hear.

Instead of more reading, I watched "The Hurricane" on CBC tv. It went on forever due to commercials and a 20 minute break for bluddy news. But it was good and worth it. The kind of story that gets inside my cold, hard heart, making me emotionally vulnerable to long-distance phone commercials and Toronto tourism board promotions (the Globe and Mail had a great article about the ridiculousness of the SARS scare, with statistics on all the other, more probable ways one could die. Ah, statistics, I love you.). I was watching tv b/c I have run out of Farscape episodes - and in the worst way possible! The episode I was watching cut off right before the final 15 minutes! Aaagh! And the person responsible is in Halifax this weekend. I am without my fix. But I am somehow calm. Eerily calm.

Today I went to the market to buy olive oil and capers in a store run by the greatest pair of gay (French) brothers/partners/really close friends ever. I love this store - it is full of all kinds of things you may or may not need. For example, do I need cilantro cutney? Ah, you see, I don't really, but why would I deny myself cilantro cutney? It's cilantro in a jar! I am buying it next time. And some tapenade of some kind too for that matter. You see what kind of store it is? 50 kinds of olive oil, 80 kinds of vinegar... Lots of old(er) people from the rich Anglo part of town speaking loudly in English. One of them was from the same Vancouver Island town my grandma lives in. So we had a weird conversation that went something like "Oh, my grandmother lives there." "Oh really? What's her name?" "Um, Joan. But I can't remember her last name b/c she got remarried." And I am a bad grandkid. She's been remarried for, um, 3+ years... But my brain is packed with *all kinds* of information here. What is remembered and what is not is not always up to me. Just ask Freud.
r r o b y y n

2003-05-27T00:24:00.000-04:00

It's been raining all day and it's got me a little bit down. Just moody though, and mostly b/c I haven't been doing enough school-related work... It's so hard when I feel like I should be a having a least a bit of "summer vacation". Alas, vacation is not going to happen for me this year. Must buckle down! It's not that I don't like the course either - Freud is interesting reading, really (I'm reading "The Interpretation of Dreams" right now) and gets me thinking. But I'd much rather be watching Farscape or reading novels - summer things! I'll simply have to get over it.

As well, I really should not be listening to Iron and Wine. There are a few songs (okay, the whole album) that just get me into a wistful, dreamy, moody state. Silliness! Sigh. And I can't block it out while reading. You know what this means? It means I will have to put on some German minimalist electro-noise. Nothing like the click-click of nothing to get one's head deeply embedded in the books...
robyn

2003-05-23T21:32:00.000-04:00

Have I been doing enough work lately? No, I have not been doing enough work lately.
I'm taking a summer course called "Reading Freud". It's only six weeks long and two weeks have already gone by. There are a lot of readings. And I keep speed-reading them instead of Giving Them Their Due. Or something like that. However, I *am* reading "Prozac Nation", which a friend picked up for a dollar at the Salvation Army thrift store. Hey, it *relates* to the class, it does. I was a bit cynical about the book at first, but it's quite a good read. I'm reading it as if I don't know anything about the author. Which, really, I don't - I only know what I've read in magazines and such, which I always question the validity of anyway. Like, I heard she dated David Foster Wallace at one time. A rumour? Perhaps. But in my book just the idea of that represents some kind of cred. Though I imagine that dating DFW would be insane in itself. Anyway, interesting book to be reading while taking a course about Freud. I mean, last week's class began with the question "What does 'insane' mean?" It's all so massive and fascinating.

I did get to look at people's blogs today, which is always nice. I haven't been Keeping Up b/c I've been trying to do school work (and race through "Prozac Nation", of course...). So, during this perusal, I found to my *delight* that Ulla (http://knittingfactory.blogspot.com) listed me in her blog links. But I only saw this after my *even greater delight" at her illustration of the day (for May 16). It's the greatest thing and I want it on a t-shirt. It reminds me of the kid's book "Where the Wild Things Are", which I still LOVE and will love forever. And it also reminds me a bit of me b/c I am prone to saying things like "Follow me, I know exactly where we are going" even if I only have the foggiest of notions. (I blame this on being an Aquarian - apparently Aquarian's defining quote is "I know"... egh.)

Mark's blog was a different kind of delight today b/c he offers up a download of Dolly Parton's "And I Will Always Love You". So I downloaded it. And about 15 seconds in began to cry b/c Mark is right: it is the most beautiful song in the world. Or at least one of them. So amazing that I'd never actually listened to the words before despite having heard Whitney Houston's version a thousand times before. Whitney's version is nothing. It is all hitting notes and getting on the radio. Whereas Dolly is all heart. So amazing. It reminds me that even though there's tonnes of music out there in the world and many many different genres of music, the music that really gets to you just has that certain something, whether it's country, soul, indie pop or hip-hop. One can't discount any genre b/c in every genre somebody is creating something amazing. It's just that metal, for instance, might appeal to one person's sense of expression better than another form of music might. It's all about creating things. I'm simplistically rambling, I know. I will go on about it when my vocabulary comes back...

As if I could drop into yet a lower level of simplicity, let me tell you about vanilla coke. Now, I don't like coke. I don't really even like pop. But I have a strong nostalgia issue when it comes to cream soda and a less strong but still there nostalgia issue with coke. But I very very rarely drink the stuff. So, yesterday I was out with a friend and he bought a vanilla coke and I had a sip b/c I had never tried it. It tastes like cream soda, but also like coke! It's totally painfully sweet and feels (to me) like acid on the tongue, but damn, the nostalgia value is too great! So today I bought my own little bottle of vanilla coke. I'm still working on it now at 9:30 at night, but it's been quite nice in a really weird way. I feel a bit like a commercial, what with the success of coke and nostalgia advertising campaigns ringing in my ears. But anyway, interesting. I can't imagine buying another vanilla coke for at least a few months though - it's like, oh, okay, well that's done.

Oh, and the last thing I will mention today is that I've discovered the joys of the sci-fi series "Farscape". I love it! I saw an episode at a friend's house a few weeks ago and he has most of the episodes on tape! So I've been watching a lot of "Farscape"... and feeling like a bit of a geek, but not really a huge geek b/c it's quite a well-written show. However, unlike "Prozac Nation", it has very little to do with psychoanalysis and Freud. Or *does it*?... I will have to go watch another episode or two in order to address that question...

Oh wait, I also saw "The Matrix: Reloaded" last night. I was a bit overwhelmed by the theatre actually b/c it was sort of in the suburbs but not. I don't know - in a mall that reminded me of all suburban North American malls. And there were lots of teenagers. Enjoyable. I also enjoyed the absolute assault on my senses that was the movie. Fabulous. I love that. More review-type writing later, I suppose, when I'm more in that kind of mood.

2003-05-21T19:48:00.000-04:00

so, a week or so ago i noticed that there were ants in my room. little black ants, harmless looking really, but ants nonetheless! ants that are just fine outside where they belong but ants which must die if they enter my apartment. i am sorry, ants, but it was wrong of you to come in here and now you must die. so i stomped on a few, but soon realized that you can't stamp ants out of existence. no, you need something bigger than a slipper-clad foot (and nice slippers they are too - only $3.99 in chinatown! i also have the $1.99 slippers, but they are not quite as good at ant stomping.) But, you see, the problem goes beyond the ants. The ants just seemed to represent an escalation in bug infestation. Because before the ants were the weird centipede things. (shudder. shudder. eeeuuugh. shudder.) I have only seen three of the weird centipede things, but I wish for no further sightings, thank you. So gross. When you see one you can't help but feel that it's crawling all over you and even when you kill it, you still imagine that its friends will crawl into your bed while you're sleeping and, like, crawl into your ears Wrath-of-Khan style. Shudder.

You can see how this was a Problem to Be Solved. So I went to Canadian Tire and did something I've never done before: I bought a can of Raid. Now, I know I'm from B.C. and there are plently of bugs out there, so one would assume that I am well-aquainted with canned pesticides. But y'know, I'm not. I've gotten rid of ants before with bay leaves and a bit of that ant bait. And spiders, well, that's what vacuums are for, right? (Do you know what happens when you crush giant west-coast spiders. It's almost worse than the live spider. Almost. Better to let them die a slow vacuum suction death.) Anyway, I never had centipedes. But if I had, you can be sure I'd be well-aquainted with Raid by now.

Now to praise Canadian Tire. Such a good store. So full of useful things. And they had about 10 different kinds of Raid. Big cans, little cans, indoor-use Raid, outdoor-use Raid, crawling insect Raid, spider Raid, flying insect Raid (which conjurs up all kinds of images of balding men running around their backyards spraying Raid in the air while chasing flying insects), ultra-super-xtra Raid for killing pretty much anything within a 10-foot radius. I stood in that aisle for a good 15 minutes, reading labels, being awed. Eventually I chose a good, middle-of-the-line Raid. Sort of a like an all-season radial tire, I suppose - good for outdoor and indoor use, all kinds of insects, won't kill the cats, etc.. I brought my can of Raid home and immediately gave the apartment a good spray, concentrating on the exterior floorboards (it's an old house...). And no more ants! And no more centipedes! And probably no more anything for at least a few weeks.

I feel slightly evil, but, well, I've already been banished to the 6th level of hell, so at this point I might as well continue in my evil ways. I might as well buy the Ultra-Raid next time...

2003-05-12T13:06:00.000-04:00

eeg, i've got a stuffed-up nose. and i am sneezing. but i am *not sick*. no.
I think it has something to do with over-indulging during yesterday's Survivor Finale BBQ at my place. It was great fun, but included lots of 'unhealthy' food and drink. oh well. I guess that just goes to show that I deserve to be banished to the sixth level of hell.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

2003-05-09T00:24:00.000-04:00

I purposely *rode my bike up hills* today. In a way I did it partly for the much-needed cardiovascular workout (the only cardio I've been doing in the past couple weeks has been stress-related, kind of like interval sprinting, but with more clenching of fists and swearing. Okay, there has been another type of cardio, but some things must be kept private and mysterious...), but I also did it to avoid insane Montreal rush-hour traffic on busy, though flat, streets (it was a really pretty route though and went to the rich anglo part of town. quel suprise! rich, anglo and pretty?! never.). Yes, now that the essays are over (for these brief, brief moments - how I relish them and honour them by watching three straight hours of Thursday night tv.), I can get back into Routine. Which means going to the gym tomorrow to see if my muscles have atrophied as much as I think they may have. Poor mus-cles. I was doing push-ups and sit-ups but I kinda need to work out in a class setting or with a partner in order to stay motivated.

*Anyway*, speaking of health-related things, I think I might become a food activist. Y'know, go around spraying fake blood on boxes of cookies and bags of chips, that kind of thing. hahahahaha. no. I like a good chocolate bar as much as the next person (unless they don't like chocolate. In which case they are not a friend of mine and clearly sans all their faculties (see previous blog entry.)), but in general people eat far too much in the way of processed food. Yeah, I'm all whole-food revolution! It's difficult though b/c short of having my own farm, it's hard to practice what you preach. Especially when organic meat costs 3 times as much as 'regular' meat, meaning that I would only be able to eat meat, um, once a week. And I require protein. Protein that is meat. And there's so much bad press about soy now. I actually really like the taste of soy milk and tofu, but, as with everything, one can't eat the same thing every day - I strive for balance. Omnivourous balance! Yarm. A cornucopia of balance.

I guess I mention this b/c in this week or so of 'free time' I've had, I've spent a bit of it on the Internet, reading things and realizing that all information is eventually conflicting information. le sigh. It's not just an internet phenomenon either, as some would have you believe. Oh no sir, the books contradict each other too. One does not know what to believe anymore (this is me shaking my head in mock tragedy. Why mock? Because 'believing in things' makes me laugh anyway. hahaha. Just because. Ah, believing - let us not waste our precious time on believing and focus on 'being interested in' and 'attracted to' and 'exploring these ideas'. Ow, this fence is hurting my bum.)

I am almost finished reading "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" (it is the abridged version, however, bought for me in a secondhand shop by a party interested in entertaining me from a safe distance while plotting how to, like, get in my pants. harhar.) Abridged or not abridged, it is a great book! I'm told that all I'm missing is a hundred pages of mere "description", nothing to worry about. Well, okay. But I couldn't read "Fellowship of the Ring" when I was a kid b/c I thought I had to read all the appendix-type bits and maps and such (the "description", people!) before getting to the story. That is, I don't like missing out on the details. But, as is evident in my ability to read said abridged version, I'm calming down about all that. And soon enough I will read the Lord of the Rings trilogy b/c I've been wanting to read it forever and just, well, never have. It's silly really. But, aside from all the school-related books I've got piled up around my room (including one about *organ transplants* called "Twice Dead", which is really very cool and interesting), I've got 6 books on my bedside table, bookmarks in all of them. Like interrupting my own written sentences with parenthetical asides, reading too many books at once is a bad habit. So heaven only knows when I'll get to good ol' Tolkien.

Robin the Midlands Milkman mentioned me (and my newfound weblog) in his weblog! I'm all honoured and blushing. But let it be known that I cannot promise the whimsy of my doppelganger, what with his sweet stories about gardeners and his uncanny ability to talk to all sorts of strangers. But perhaps my stories will become sweet eventually and perhaps I'll be able to strike up a conversation with an interesting stranger at the market next time I'm there. I believe I'm already working on it though: I'm realizing that a friend of mine lives in an apartment filled with talkative/friendly people! And whenever I'm there I inevitably get into conversations with them while waiting for the elevator. It's nice and, like Robin, inspires me to talk to more strangers or at least just smile at them. Today the conversation was with a woman who had just come in from walking her *gigantic* rotweiller. As we waited for the elevator, her dog had a good time sniffing my cat-smelling hands. I said, in that lilting way in which you speak about nothing to strangers with big dogs, "Ah, he smells my cat." (insert little laugh. because i always seem to laugh too much when talking to strangers.) The woman was about 40 years old, a bit round, a bit gruff looking. But she laughed too! And told me about how her old dog had really like cats and used to lick their faces while they looked perturbed, and how this dog just likes to chase cats. Yes, another friendly encounter in the building of friendly encounters.

Such encounters always make me feel like I am floating above the conversation. Just a bit. I suppose because what we're talking about is so vague, so totally unassuming and almost not there at all, that I'm not all there. Yet at the same time these encounters are so meaningful to me. Simple little connections, you know, brief smiles in the hallway. They just make me a little happier. It helps that it was a lovely day here today and that I had just gotten off my bike and was full of exercise goodness. Mmm, I love me some all-natural lemon and lime flavoured endorphins.

Well, Captain Nemo calls.
Robyn

2003-05-08T01:10:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of things in this world that can make a person crazy. And by crazy, I mean 'lose it a little' or 'destabilize' or other euphemisms. It seems like we are often treading a fine line between holding our lives together and just saying 'fuck it'. Not that this is a decision left only in one individual's hands. Like I said, a lot of things can make a person lose it.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking this right now. It's not because I always feel at the edge of some scizophrenic precipace, no. But just like we can enter a doctor's office feeling fine and leave with a diagnosis of cancer, we can wake up one morning with a mental illness gnawing away at what we thought were our intact faculties. Y'know, those faculties we rely on to communicate with people, to make them understand who we are, see the 'real me', we might hope. Or, more accurately, we communicate with others to help us understand what that 'real me' is - we certainly can't do that on our own, right? I don't think so. And I'm a pretty independent person. Even I recognize this need for other people.

Perhaps I'm thinking about L.O.V.E. and its catalystic functions. How love can make you crazy, make you happy, make you sad, all of it. Y'know, that's love, all those things, lots of different things. I believe I've been in love a few times and each time has been quite different. Yet each kind of 'being in love' has made me notice this fine balance between who I am and who others perceive me to be, and how much of me depends on who and what surrounds me. Oh, it's be said before and more eloquently, but whatever, it's my weblog, yo. Yes, so this recognition of how identity is constructed can be a bit much and that's perhaps what I mean when I say that so many things can drive us over whatever edge it was we were balancing on. And I guess it's what can bring us back too.

I just want to be who I am. To do that is a struggle though, I realize. Frustratingly enough, for me it's a process of constantly questioning myself. That is, I may know who I am at this moment, but the next moment will see me change - and that's also me, of course. Is it a balance between understanding the stable parts of oneself and adjusting to the instable? Or just recognizing the complex process of how identity is formed. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to harness the stable, make that our 'truth' and have some kind of solidity in our lives? Maybe it would be, but the only examples I can name are from movies or tv.

This all also makes me question how we can trust ourselves. Or how we define what trust means in this case. Perhaps this is why I invoke the word 'crazy' - this distrust of self, distrust of our own perceptions of the world and distrust of others' perceptions. I mean, this trust is part of having stability, being able to rely on something. But the more I think about it and the more I go about my life, I find that what I rely on is nebulous - I have convictions, but they seem ephemeral. Maybe I was never meant to have a 'rock' in my life (hey, my chart is all about air signs, after all...), but even that thought is a bit upsetting in a 'why can't my life be a movie' kind of way. Y'know, it's upsetting but at the same time I can wave it off as silly. And I'm still left with the nebulous, with a bunch of words to rearrange again and again into sentences meant to unravel the problems posed. As much as I can write it and say it, I am still trying to understand how much more important it is to explore these problems instead of going straight for the answers because the answers, much like me in a game of hide and seek, are always changing their hiding spots.

I think I just need to write some stories or poems on this theme or something. But writing them this way is helpful too even if the words make little sense to other people. It's sort of a way towards making sense. I try.

2003-05-07T01:06:00.000-04:00

This summer I am going to improve my currently sad French. I have been watching French tv, which is helping my comprehension, but I still find speaking and understanding in public really difficult. I mean, French on tv is pretty clear and enunciated. French in Montreal is slurred and full o' slang. Not to diss it - it just makes it much harder to understand for someone who's been trained on the west coast in Parisian French. So for all of July I'm going on a program (paid for by the government! hurrah!) to immerse my anglo-ass in French. I'm going to Moncton, New Brunswick, and even though it's not Quebec (where I am now, and still French-impaired), it's the only officially bilingual province in Canada (trivia!) and apparently the community 'spies' on the program kids and if they hear you speaking English you will be Reported to the Authorities. So, I figure if I can stay drunk the whole time I'll definitely be able to stick with the French. Because that's what seems to happen when I'm drunk. If only the government would pay for booze.

Oh, c'mon now though, I am not like that. I am a keener, a learner, a hitter of the books not the bottle.
I'm taking a bit of a book break at the moment though b/c the semester just ended and the next one begins in a week. I've only been reading "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" and the nutritional content labels of packaged food. Oh, and Things on the Internet, but pfft, yeah. I even watched "American Idol" tonight. Yes, I was making dinner at the same time, but how much does one really have to "watch" that show as much as listen and rush into the livingroom when Simon says anything so as to better perfect my imitation of an imitiation of whatever/whoever he's imitating. I think he may be a robot. Or at least have some robot parts that are being controlled via satellite. By more robots. "The Osbornes" was great though and I feel that they are all very much human in both sad and happy ways. Sad = Ozzy's obvious nerve damage, Sharon's colon cancer, Kelly's singing, Jack's Inflated Sense of Rejection. Happy = Ozzy's hair, Sharon's hair, Kelly's hair, Jack's braces. hahaha. I should go to sleep.

Another good band is: Manitoba. The province however, well, I cannot be so kind in my assessment.

2003-05-07T00:40:00.000-04:00

I've been told that humans are meant to walk a lot. And though I enjoy a good long walk I've noticed that a lot of other humans do not seem to enjoy walking. Or, more accurately, they do not do it too much. Sometimes I walk because I'm too cheap/inanimpoverishedstate to take the metro and riding my bike would be inappropriate/uncomfortable (e.g., i'm wearing a skirt; going somewhere that will end up with me in a state wherein bike riding = sure death.) I walked to Chinatown yesterday, having never explored that part of the city. I found out that it only takes up about 2 square blocks. Oh well. But they had what I needed: $1.99 slippers, red bean buns, and tapioca starch. Strange coming from Vancouver though where Chinatown is pretty big and you can go from store to store searching for, say, a Totoro keychain, and know that you will eventually find it in some hole-in-the-wall manga/stuffed cartoon animal paraphernalia shop.

Walking, yeah. I need some new sandals b/c I walked right through my last pair and dare not make my beautiful red and white camper sandals my primary summer shoes. God no! Those are Special Occasion Shoes of Glory. I'm torn between buying a cheap-ass pair of sandals at, like, Payless or Yellow or some other semi-knock-off shoe store and buying a pair of $85 hush puppie sandals that would last a little longer and not hurt my feet. Plunking down the cash for those is difficult though. In the past, when employed, when not prioritizing "intellectual betterment" over fashion, I would have thought $85 decent. Blame my high arches, blame my high tastes, I don't know. I have a weakness for shoes that, unlike my weakness for clothes, cannot be saited at the thrift store (have you *ever* seen a pair of size 10 women's shoes in decent shape in a second-hand store? I have not. Of course, my definition of "decent" is "unsullied by other people's feet").

The Decemberists are a good band I have just heard on the radio. I have made a note to try not to spend too much time downloading their songs. I made that note for Sunday too and didn't leave the house until 7pm. And it was sunny out! But oh, c'mon, I have bought so many cds in the past 4 years and gone to so many shows and bought merchandise, that a little downloading can't hurt me. And knowing me, I'm totally going to buy all the proper cds and go to all the shows once I'm out of school and making the cash once again. I'm just Like That. Downloading is simply a stopgap.

Oh man, there's a Montreal band called Arcade Fire. I love that.
More later. More better.

2003-05-01T02:20:00.000-04:00

Oh, I'm just getting started. I'd like to alter the template, but I'd rather write. I'll alter the template one day maybe, if I'm in that kind of mood. I just want to type right now. I've gone back and forth on this Having a Blog Thing for a while now. Sometimes it freaks me out and sometimes I think I can handle it. It's not that I'm that sensitive; it's just that I don't know if I can be myself. (And lately I am wavering in my support about the whole multiplicity of identities thing. I mean, Stuart Hall writes convincingly, and I like his arguments, but maybe I'm a modernist at heart? Or perhaps I'm simply being nostalgic for something I've only read about but never experienced. This probably only proves that I should stop thinking about it already. For at least a few days.)

Or maybe I'm feeling like this b/c of the things I bombarded myself with today: a salvation army thrift store browse (recently un-mothballed clothing and lonely, smelly people who just want to talk while I search out Made in England stoneware), another harrowing montreal bike ride, briefly worrying about taxes and then saying "fuck it" at the tax forms, chinese food, a student production of "the beggar's opera", tofu chocolate pudding, a late-night viewing of "event horizon". Quite a day of incongruous stimulation considering that I just handed in my last essay of the semester on Tuesday morning and keep thinking I still have to work on another essay or go to the library and do lit searches. Of course, I should be doing those things anyway, though without the stress of Deadlines (which i never meet anyway. see above note about taxes.)

Lately I like the following things:
- The New Pornographers - "The Electric Version". This is so good it hurts me. Download "The Laws Have Changed". It makes me want to bear Dan Bejar's love child. Or something like that.
- Homemade chocolate tofu pudding sweetened with stevia. Low in carbs, high in chocolately goodness! Also high in west-coast hippychick vegan protein love vibes. Does this make up for the my Essays Are All Done, Now I'm Going to Eat Two Hot Dogs and Poutine Dinner I had last night? Haha. No. Nor does it help with tonight's chinese food dinner. As I said to the tax forms today: "Fuck it."
- Chinese brocolli. It's really good. I really like it. Etc.
- Some people, some of whom are quite cute.
- 'vitamin B6.
- http://www.superatomic.co.uk/blog/ especially the story about the gardener. that was great.
- the idea that this blog might be something interesting with some stories/essays of interest rather than a whole lot of e-rambling. mmm, e-rambling.